Watching a friend suffer is terrible.

I had dinner this evening with the friend I have that survived ritual abuse. It was hard to be with her. Not because of anything she has done but because of watching the long term effects of her child sexual abuse and ritual abuse. She is diagnosed with severe mental health issues. She started seeing things a couple of months ago. She said at the time that this was due to her spirituality. Today she expressed how scary seeing these things are. I asked her if she has gone to see her psychiatrist and she said, "Yes, but they keep putting me on the wrong medication that doesn't work." I asked her if she had told the psychiatrist about her ritual abuse and she said, "No I haven't told anyone here about my ritual abuse. I don't talk to anyone about that but you." That saddens me. Not because I think she should be talking about her experience with ritual abuse. It saddens me because it is so shameful, horrible, and unbelievable that she doesn't believe they will believe her. That has been her experience from other mental health providers. She has lived all over the country and has sought help for her mental health issues for years. Some have believed her and some haven't.

She goes through periods where she is very non-compliant and her medical doctors have fired her. To watch her sinking is very sad. It makes me angry!!!!!!!!! So freak-en angry!!!!!! She didn't ask for her freak-en family to be into sadistic rituals. She didn't deserve this. She doesn't deserve this, but right now she really doesn't care enough about herself to help herself. She is going to see her therapist weekly now and that is great. I know him professionally and he is kind, compassionate and caring. I  hope she gets to the point to trust him enough to reveal what she needs to. I will check on her much more often then I have been.

I understand she is not my responsibility but I have a kindred connection to her. I survived the same freak-en sh## as she has. I feel terrible inside because I feel guilty for where I am in my life compared to where she is. She left the restaurant for a little while to go and get some air and I started crying. My son was there and I said to him, "That breaks my heart. It could be me." He said to me, "Mom, when you look at her you should see your willingness to get off your ass and do something about it. She isn't wanting to do anything." While I understand his comment I still feel guilty. This is because I know that she is older than me, has been in and out of jail, in and out of mental institutions, in 4 domestic violent marriages. She has been addicted to drugs and alcohol. She has been clean for 2 years now. For her at this point her health is failing and she has burned a lot of bridges. I wish that she was able to care more for herself. I asked her if she was going to church because she used to attend a church regularly. She said, "No." She is isolated and because of burning her bridges has limited friends and support.

While I feel guilt I also feel thankful that while we share the same history of surviving child sexual and ritual abuse our lives couldn't be different. I was able to end a domestic violent marriage. The violence was so severe that in 1992 when I was divorced in CT I have a permanent restraining order as part of the divorce. I was able to go back to college and obtain my bachelor's degree is social work. I was then able to attend graduate school and obtain my master's in health science. I did the hard work on myself to change a lot of how I was. I used to be very reactionary and so emotionally centered that I didn't take the time to back away from a situation. I would just respond to it. Now I can ponder things forever if I have to. I hold a great job and am good at what I do professionally. I am lucky that I never did drugs or drank excessively. That in my experience was because of Gods presence in my life. Gods placing people in my life to guide me throughout my life. Tonight I have nothing but gratitude and thanks to God for helping me to get where I am in my life. I'll continue prays for my friend. Blessings, Rosie