Reality of my life at this point (dark subject Ritual Abuse)

Since I have finished my memoir and plan to get it published I know that my life is going to change. I always knew if I went public with my ritual abuse that I had to be strong enough and ready for the negativity and skeptics that will come with it. I have been visiting other blogs and web sites on RA as it is known and I have found that there are a lot of skeptics out there. A dose of skepticism isn't a bad thing. It becomes a bad thing when people who have survived horrific, horrendous trauma are put through another form of hell because people don't want to believe that such a thing happens. Or honestly there are people that want to make sure that things like this aren't proven. When a survivor comes forward there are people that will spend time trying to discredit the survivor. Writing this memoir and blog isn't about my being abused by a world wide conspiracy who is out to take over the world. There are web sites out there that discuss that. I am not saying that it isn't true. I am saying that for me I have no proof that those who were involved with the occult and committed my RA were involved in a world wide plot. I work in a field where facts and data are important. I have both facts and data on my RA.

I finished my memoir this evening.

I mentioned before that I had been thinking about writing my life's journey for the past 20 years. Therapists, other mental health professionals, community members where I grew up, my Church's, other professionals, family and friends have all told me I needed to write it. I started writing some when I was about 17 years old. I was very interested in journalism from the age of 15 on. When I was 17 I was very concerned because I was very sick for months. Part of surviving multiple traumas is that it leaves your body a mess. As part of my being hyper-vigilant I worried incessantly about my health. I was having symptoms of dark stools. I was also having a lot of pain in my kidneys.  I did research on it at the library and I found out that it was either an ulcer or colon cancer. Of course in my mind it had to be the cancer. I went to the Doctor and told him my symptoms. He checked my blood and I was severely anemic. He asked about my stools and I lied and said they were fine. He diagnosed me with an ulcer. He put me on iron and medication for the ulcer. He recommended that I eat a bland diet. So I went and purchased  applesauce, instant mashed potatoes, bread so I could toast it anything bland I could think of. When I got home with the news and told Ruth I wasn't eating her food anymore because of it she was upset.

PTSD

Good evening I thought I would talk about P.T.S.D and it's relation to trauma. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a very common disorder that happens when people experience trauma. This can be from any form of trauma; a bad car accident, loss of a job, witnessing a shooting, witnessing a parent getting beat up, a close person to you dying, being raped, witnessing war, and other traumas. This is a diagnosis that both my children and I have. I probably have had this since I was about 3 years old. As far back as I can remember I have experienced symptoms of P.T.S.D.; hyper-vigilance, startling easy, inability to concentrate, mood swings, flashbacks of the trauma experienced, nightmares of the trauma, nightmares that were really frightening, feeling hopeless, agitation, not being able to remember the trauma, avoiding places the trauma occurred and not sleeping. The name for not being able to remember the trauma is called trauma induced amnesia.

Adverse Childhood Experience Study

I have added a clip of the video Adverse Childhood Experience Study. I thought you might be interested in it. I put the whole conference video on the blog under links on abuse and trauma. If you have a chance and are interested watch the whole conference it's pretty informative. Encourage anyone you think should see it to stop by and watch it. Thanks,  Rosie

http://vimeo.com/22321148

Some of the trauma I experienced and the symptoms

I have located and added to the blog, web pages that discuss and describe the symptoms of trauma. If there are pages or blogs that you know of please feel free to share them. The reason knowing the symptoms is important is that a lot of the time, especially with children the person victimized doesn't or can't talk about their victimization. Being aware of the symptoms will allow you to be knowledgeable and have insight that something may be wrong. This insight can lead to you being able to do something. When I think back over my life span I had many different signs that I was victimized by trauma. One of the worst I remember is when I was 8 years old turning 9 years old. I didn't speak for a month. This trauma was before I learned of my "big" trauma when I was 31 years old. Some of you are going to be able to figure what the big trauma is from some of my imagery that I will share. As I have mentioned before Ruth was very abusive. She did a lot of weird things to keep me afraid of her. Her favorite was to threaten me with knifes. When I was 8 years old I had stopped some of the inappropriate touching from her. I didn't exactly know what it was I just knew it didn't feel right. She had this thing where she would bring some of us kids in her bed and then massage us. For some reason when I was 8 years old I had determined it wasn't right and I wasn't having any more to do with this. When I told her I was leaving her room and that I didn't want her to massage me anymore she got very angry. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. She tried to convince me that there was nothing wrong happening. I never participated in these massages again.

Comments section of blog

I realized this morning when I was reviewing the access to this blog that I had the comments section closed to anyone who wasn't a member of this site. I apologize to the reader for that. I changed my setting so that anyone can anonymously comment on the blog if they want. Of course if you wish to post using your information that is fine to. I hope that I haven't frustrated some people for not doing this earlier.


Thanks, Rosie

A Different View on Trauma - DivineCaroline

A Different View on Trauma - DivineCaroline

Weekly questions with my comments.

I have been thinking all week about the weekly question. Since I have spent most of the week talking about trauma I thought I'd ask some questions about trauma.

Do you remember the most traumatic thing that happened to you? Do you remember how it felt? Were you able to talk about it? Did you ask for help? Did you feel you needed help? Did people in your life understand?

Interconnectedness

Hello everyone I went today to get my hair cut and ended up having a wonderful conversation with the person who cut my hair. It always amazes me how many people have suffered traumas. A couple of the most common are physical, emotional and sexual abuse. When I was growing up this was not a topic that was discussed in society. I am sure it was occurring as I experienced it but, society wasn't comfortable discussing it. There were no protocols in schools the most common place that children should have gotten help. I have been a firm believer all of my adult life that if we don't know our history that we are doomed to repeat it.  This wonderful person shared some issues that family members had suffered at the hands of another family member. I was very glad that she was comfortable to talk about this. She and I had a long conversation about the reality that unless someone else knows a person's history they shouldn't judge. Actually judging shouldn't occur but we all do it at times. I don't know the data and will do research on the following topic how many people are sitting in jails because of trauma they suffered? And what are the jails doing to help inmates to deal with these traumas?

Discussing some of my experiences with trauma

Hello I was doing research on trauma and found a good description/definition on
http://www.aboutourkids.org:

A traumatic situation is one involving an actual or threatened death or serious injury. Sometimes when people experience an event so terrible and frightening that it is difficult for most of us to imagine, they suffer from shock. This can happen after a one-time natural catastrophe like a hurricane or a flood or after an experience like seeing a bomb attack or seeing someone shot. Sometimes this kind of shock can happen when an unpleasant experience occurs time and time again in a child's life, like being beaten or sexually abused repeatedly. Particular signs of stress can occur after experiencing an event directly, from witnessing an event, or even hearing about such an event in regard to a family member. People who suffer from a prolonged reaction to such shock may be diagnosed as having Posttraumatic Stress Disorder.

Trauma responses

For the next couple of days I will be discussing what trauma is. Why it is important to have support/guidance after you have experienced trauma. What the symptoms can be if someone has experienced a trauma. What a member of your support/guidance system will need to do to help you process this trauma. I found this neat 33 page book on trauma responses and thought that it would be a good resource for my readers.
 
Trauma responses from www.rhrc.org

Interesting interview I just found on CNN about Trauma

http://cnn.com/video/data/2.0/video/showbiz/2011/10/24/orig-jtb-red-chair-darrell-hammond.cnn.html

Couldn't find a video, if a reader knows of one and wants to recommend one, great.

Good evening, I spent a couple hours yesterday trying to find a video that covers; how to tell if you can trust someone after experiencing trauma. I couldn't find one because I want to focus on surviving the victimization of trauma and there wasn't one video I could use that was generic in nature. Most of the videos I found had to do with building trust after infidelity or some type of lying in a relationship.Yes, it is important to learn how to trust again after these types of violations. I certainly don't want to discourage people from participating in this blog that have experienced these things. Unfortunately this type of violation is very common and I find that very sad. I believe that everyone who has suffered any type of trauma should have the opportunity to be a part of this blog.

In my life I have suffered multiple traumas and will share this throughout my blogging with the reader. I want readers who have survived multiple traumas to be active participants in this blog as well. The most important thing I want to convey is that life gets better.

How does someone gain your trust?

Good morning I was thinking about my post last night and decided I needed to talk about how someone goes about gaining our trust after trauma. I can only speak of my experience but will do some research and add a video that covers the topic as well. I think the videos are a good reinforcer to learning. I am also going to start interviewing people and posting the interviews on this blog. This may take me a couple of weeks or months. I want people to read this blog and feel that they are learning something and are getting support as well.  If I'm not accomplishing that then I would love to hear feedback and I promise I will take the concern(s) seriously. Of course if there is a topic that you would like me to tackle I will be glad to, as long as it has something to do with surviving or being victimized by trauma.

Trust continued....

As I mentioned yesterday I am very grateful for people who helped me learn to trust. As hard as it is to go through trauma, it is imperative that we are able to look for areas in our lives that were good despite the trauma. The question is how the heck do we do that? Let me share some of my story......

Created an office in my house for this blog

Good evening I am blogging later than usual because I spent most of the day putting together some office space, where I can write this blog. I am committed to it, and want to be as organized as possible. I promise the reader that I will post something every day. I am very happy to have decided to do this blog. I am looking forward to the day when I have some followers, when readers post comments, or when readers write to me via my email memoirofaredemptivelife@gmail.com asking questions. I am trying to get Susan Jeffers (who wrote the book Feel the fear and do it anyway) to allow me to have a widget on my site from her site that shares her daily affirmations. This book was helpful in my recovery from trauma. Susan Jeffers is one of the people, through her book, that helped me to be able to live a redemptive life.

Best Wishes, Rosie

Good video on trust after trauma

We need to learn to trust in order to move forward in our lives

When I was looking up definitions of trust, I liked the following two best. I got them from the website http://www.merriam-webster.com: (1) : a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship (2) : something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another.

 My experience with trust was when I was young I would blindly trust people. I would share things with people that were personal, yet I didn't know them very well. I had to learn throughout my life who it is safe to share information with. I had to learn that sharing some information was going to traumatize people and that I needed to know them well before, I disclosed anything traumatic. This led to me not sharing things at all.  I have always struggled with extremes throughout my life. Balancing these extremes has led me to having a more balanced life. This has not always been easy and at times brought me great anguish and at times has brought great anguish to those I love.

Forgiveness and the Freedom of Letting go

So, Why Is Gratitude Important?

So, Why Is Gratitude Important?

Weekly Question(s)....

I thought I'd start putting out weekly question(s) to ask my readers. I want the reader to feel comfortable to email me or post their question(s) as well. What type of questions do you think are important to ask someone who is on their journey toward a redemptive life? Would questions on how someone learned to forgive be important to you? What about questions on one's ability to forgive?

Below is my question to you all for this week:

Confidentiality-Important to build trust.

 Here are some common definitions of confidentiality:

1. Done or communicated in confidence; secret.

2. Entrusted with the confidence of another: a confidential secretary.

3. Denoting confidence or intimacy: a confidential tone of voice.

The definition I use when I am saying I won't break confidence is number 2 above. I  promise my readers that if you share something with me I will not break your confidence. There will be some readers who will feel, uncomfortable posting questions and comments or even joining my blog. That is okay this blog is for everyone. Not everyone that visits my blog will like it and that is okay, too. What is important is that trust is built between my readers and I.

What is forgeviness?

Here are some definition of forgiveness:

1. The act of forgiving or the state of being forgiven 

2. To excuse for a fault or an offense; pardon. 

3. To renounce anger or resentment again.

4. Disposition or willingness to forgive.

Forgiveness sometimes takes years to be able to do. Maybe even a lifetime. There are times when we just can't forgive. When I started on my journey and asked for and received guidance and support one of the first things I learned is that I had to forgive myself.  This was really difficult. Forgive myself? How could I do that when I didn't like myself very much? When I didn't love myself?

Searching has yielded results

I am originally from Connecticut then lived in North Carolina and finally ended up in Kansas. Living in Kansas has afforded me the safety of my memories in a way where I could write my life story. I have suffered from  depression, obsessive compulsive and panic disorder for many years. Most were brought on by the traumas I survived in childhood. One, panic disorder was something that God gave to me in order that I didn't remember the big trauma I suffered until I was emotionally and mentally ready. While I suffered greatly due to the panic attacks I will always remain thankful to God for providing these. If I had my memories too soon, I would not be the healthy, happy, productive person that I am. I have been told that I might have spent my life inside a mental institution. So panic attacks or a lifetime in mental institutions I'll take the panic attacks any day.

What is redemption?

I have found many definitions of redemption I will add a few that are important to me.

1. an act of redeeming  or the state of being redeemed.

2.deliverance; rescue.

3.Theology . deliverance from sin; salvation.

4.atonement for guilt.

Welcome to my blog

"While you wait impatiently for an apology which may never come, God is waiting patiently for you to forgive."

• Author: LaTonya Tarell