Thinking about the blog and how it is evolving into something I didn't expect.

When I first started this blog it was in response to my writing my story of surviving many traumas and coming out the other side. Part of coming out the other side was the miracle of being able to live a redemptive life something I am fortunate to be doing. Statistically I shouldn't be in life where I am. I try never to forget that. When I was small I survived child abuse; sexual, physical and emotional. I also survived ritual abuse which is all three combined. I was bullied as a child which was so complex and am learning that a lot of children who are bullied are abused at home as well. I married when I was in my early 20's to a man who was extremely abusive. Due to my surviving the abuse in my childhood it lead me on a trajectory of living a terrible life. One in which I wasn't able to take control of my life so I gave it over to someone else. I felt incompetent, small, worthless, unloved, vulnerable, dirty, trapped, and most of all helpless.


I contemplated suicide many times. I honestly believed that in order to get out of the marriage I was either going to be dead or in jail. I spent years distraught to the point I was hardly functioning. The thing that kept me going was my children. Despite my childhood I refused to be the type of mother that Ruth was. The reality is my children had a very mentally ill mother and father. I had undiagnosed panic and anxiety disorder and very severe PTSD. When I lost a job I had been working at for a year it landed me on a downward spiral. I had been working and saving money. I had every intention of getting out of the marriage. When I lost the job all hope was lost. I became extremely agoraphobic and didn't leave the house for over 7 months. This meant that my ex had to shop, do laundry, take the kids to school functions, etc. I functioned in the house I kept the house up, cooked meals, etc. I just didn't leave the house.

I had an aunt named Gerri who would call me every day and tell me to get help. She despised my ex and told me I deserved better. She actually found a program at Yale New Haven Hospital in New Haven, CT that was researching a new medication and was looking for subjects. The medication was for anxiety and panic disorder. Something that Gerri had diagnosed me with. She told me she knew what I had because she had the same thing when she was my age. I had been begging my ex to let me get treatment and he refused. He always told me that once I got treatment and got a job where I could support myself and the kids I would leave him. After 7 months of me unable to leave the house he gave in and let me try to get into the study.

Luckily I was accepted. I had a lot of interventions at Yale as part of the study. I had to go to group therapy every week. This was intensive cognitive behavioral therapy. Everyone in the study was either put on a placebo or the new medication. I think it was klonopin. It was very hard leaving the house at first. I was terrified but more terrified of staying in the destructive marriage. After 4 weeks in the study I was asked to see the two psychiatrists who were overseeing the study. They explained to me that I was the worst agoraphobic they had seen. They told me they had to take me out of the study because I was on the placebo. They didn't ethically feel that they could keep me in the study when I needed to be put on an antidepressant. They allowed me to continue to participate in the group therapy each week. During the 4 weeks I was convinced that I was on the new medication because I was doing better. This was the first time I realized I had control over how I was doing. Up to that point I didn't think I did. This process led me to the next phase of my life.

I started attending a domestic violence support group while still in the group therapy. The psychiatrist at Yale got me into a therapist where I lived.  I was defying my ex and he was furious. I finally got the courage to call the police on my ex and he was removed from the home. I applied for medicaid, food stamps and welfare. I had to accept a lot of assistance from the community where I lived. The people who helped me told me over and over again that when I got my life together I would be in a position to help others. I ended up on SSI due to my mental health issues. I got my kids into therapy and I attended parent therapy. Then I started having flashbacks of the ritual abuse. These happened without recovered memory or regressive therapy and I never had hypnosis. I had wonderful therapists who never and I repeat never told me what I had survived. They allowed me to come to my own realization. I won't go into detail but there were horrendous and I have talked some about them in previous posts. Throughout all of this I had a wonderful support system. I was also finding my voice and I was loving that. I realized that I was very smart and had a lot to offer the world. My divorce lawyer convinced me that I had a voice and recommended I go see the Dean at Southern Connecticut State University School of Social Work. She set up the interview. I went, took a test and met with the Dean. He told me that I scored high on program implementation and he thought I should apply to the program. I did and was accepted.

It took 6 years to get through school but I did it. I am the first person in my family to graduate from college with both a bachelor's and a master's degree. I worked my ass off to get where I am in my life. I do live a redemptive life. I do that because of the people God placed in my life. I do because of my willingness to work hard. There were times I wanted to quit. There where times I didn't think I could go on. Then I found the words to write my story. I had stopped living in fear of my ex mostly because I moved almost 800 miles away from where I grew up. This moving also allowed me to heal from the ritual abuse as well. I did foster care and in order to be licensed  I told the complete truth to them about my surviving everything. I got licensed and it led to the adoption of another son. Most of my panic attacks were related to seeing people in the cult. I now live 2000 miles away from Connecticut so I don't bump into anyone who was involved in the cult. Living here is what led me to write my story. I have a wonderful job that I love and it is in program planning, implementation and overseeing services. I am a respected professional. I am grateful and thankful. I would like my memoir published and I plan to pursue that.

The blog has become something I didn't expect. I do want to be a resource for people who have survived multiple traumas. What has happened over the past couple of months is that I have been doing research into the debunking of ritual abuse. I am consistently learning that there is a strong agenda to keep the reality of ritual abuse hushed up. I am posting my research here to help educate people about this agenda. There are very bad people who want to get away with lusting after and hurting children. They don't want these children to have a voice. I am helping them to have one. This blog is leading me to post stories of child abuse from all over the world. I have a passion for finding the truth and revealing it. If it means I go to pedophile sites and post some of the disgusting things they are saying to get the word out then I'll do it. When I was that small child you see on this blog page I didn't have a voice. I can give that little girl a voice and can help others at the same time. It is very healing to that little girl to know what she went through wasn't in vain. I am dedicated to giving voices and telling of the horrendous things that happen to children. I want to give voices to all of the adults who were abused as children who had no voice. I knew I could never work in a field with children who were abused. I didn't have it in me. This blog has changed that. I am thriving telling their stories. This blog has given me a new perspective and purpose in my life. I promise that I will never be silent again. With gratitude and love, Rosie

6 comments:

  1. I'm normally a fairly stoic man, but my heart breaks when I see that picture of you above -- a little girl that deserved to be loved, nurtured, protected, and pointed toward God's great love for her, and instead was used for evil purposes. I think of what Jesus said about causing a little one in stumble -- Mark 9:42 and other places. I am happy it seems you're finding healing and purpose -- and I love the title of your blog.

    May you help to redeem the lives of many.

    Geoff Martineau

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  2. Thank you so much for your kind words. They made me cry a good cry that is cleansing and healing. I pray that I am able to help people. No child ever deserves to be abused and I would love to be a role model for many on how you can have a good life despite the evil that was done to you. God is who led me to the title of the blog. It is the title of my memoir. Have a blessed day, Rosie

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  3. It takes courage to write about abuse, but I am sure that you are helping many people with your blog. Thank you and I hope all those terrible memories will disappear soon. Wishing you harmony, love peace, tranquility, forgiveness, fortune and good health, sincerely,

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  4. Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I pray that I am helping others. Blessings, Rosie

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  5. The tears have rolled down my cheeks at your openess and courage. You somehow found your hidden strength against all adversity to carry on. Your words will give hope and comfort to those silent sufferers , that there is always a way. I feel very humbled that you have shared your pain, but feel so proud of you even though I don't know you for all you have achieved. You are doing gods work. Sending love x

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  6. Thank you, your post brought tears to my eyes. I hope that my story can help others know that you can go on. It isn't always easy that's for sure. To know their are people like you who read my words and are moved by them is God's work. I would be no where in my life without God. In the midst of the ritual abuse when God couldn't stop what they were doing (because he can't control free will). He was there fighting in the darkness to try to stop them. He was there by sending me cherubs to play with. He was there by allowing me to dissociate what was happening so I could survive. He was there when I was ready to remember by sending me several good friends who stood by me in the midst of my despair. He was there by giving me the courage to get out of the marriage for the sake of my children. If it weren't for them I don't think I could have summoned the courage to get out. He was there in my struggles to get through college. He was there when I had to acknowledge my mental health was the reason I was on SSI. (that was a tough one for me). He was there when I graduated with my undergrad degree. He was there when I went to work and got off SSI. He has always been there even when I didn't think he was. I am blessed by God and blessed that he has helped me to tell my story and to help me help others. Sorry it was such a ramble I felt moved by the Holy Spirit. Blessings, Rosie

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