Kim noble

http://www.kimnoble.com/
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Kim Noble: A woman divided

There are 20 people living inside Kim Noble, including an alpha female called Patricia; an anorexic teenager called Judy; and a bloke called Ken. She has the most extreme form of dissociative identity disorder that psychiatrists have seen - and a unique artistic talent, too, as Katy Weitz reports.

Sunday 27 August 2006

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A lot of people are very frightened of us until they meet us," says Kim Noble in a flat south-London accent. "But we've been in treatment now for 10 years and actually we don't behave as if we've got 50 heads!"

This is my first interview with Kim Noble, and I confess that I am a little apprehensive myself - what does a woman with 20 personalities look like? What if she "switches" midway through the interview? Kim's appearance gives nothing away; she is a tiny, almost frail-looking woman with a thick mane of copper hair framing the most startlingly clear blue eyes. The rest of her face is almost incidental, but high cheekbones and delicate features under clear bronze skin all make the picture quite lovely.

Was reading on the internet and came across this article on sex trafficking from http://www.examiner.com/sex-trafficking-in-national/sex-money-and-the-sex-trafficking-pandemic-how-did-we-get-here-and-now-what

It will be great one day when we realize as a society that the majority of people who get into prostitution were victims of child sexual abuse. This happens in a lot of situations where a child runs away. They run away from one form (or the same) of abuse and end up being abused again. I thought I would share this story. Seems weird to say blessings after this story so I won't. Please pray for the children, Rosie

Sex+Money and the sex trafficking pandemic: How did we get here and now what?

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Holly Craw

, Sex Trafficking Examiner

November 30, 2011 - Like this? Subscribe to get instant updates.

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The newest documentary on sex trafficking in the US, Sex+Money, investigates and verifies the unbelievable depth of the human sex slavery in our country. Executive producer, Morgan Perry, has coordinated the filming, along with the interviews of over 75 convicted pimps, victims, law enforcement officials and human services representatives to create a compelling look inside the fastest growing criminal enterprise on the planet.
In an interview with Miss Perry, her passion for the cause of stopping all sex slavery, including the heinous crime of children forced into prostitution, came across very strongly. She attended the University of the Nations and majored in Social Justice. In 2007, she was part of an educational program that toured 20 countries in nine months, closely examining the social justice issues in each nation. The heartbreaking thread that was common to all regions was the immense issue of children being sold as objects of rape by strangers numerous times each night. In most places, the child prostitution was blatant and easily accessed.

I heard back from Doug Mesner

I am very glad that I heard back from Doug Mesner. I have cut and pasted his response below.  I think his response was more cordial then I expected it to be. That may have been because of my bias of feeling I had to be on the defense because of my research into the the debunking of SRA. It was a nice surprise and I learned more about why he is skeptical of SRA. He states a concern that there will be some within the "SRA echo chamber" that will not want me to talk to him. In an email to him I have explained that I have worked very hard in my life to get to the place I am. That I will not ever be controlled by any one or any thing again and that I will make decisions that affect my life. This is a touchy subject for me. Part of my survival and moving forward in my life was to learn to take control of my life and not allow anyone to control me ever again. This has been to the determent of relationships because of how touchy I am on this subject and because it is a trigger for my PTSD.

I did respond to his response to my post. I didn't cut and paste my response here because it goes into graphic detail of one of the things that happened to me and this can be a trigger for some. I felt I had to give graphic detail in order to answer his concern over whether or not I survived his definition of RA. To be honest I went on a tangent of sorts. I also answered a response from someone named Gaiain Guy. His response to my post on Doug Mesner's site was of the tone I was expecting from someone who is more interested in debunking then being skeptical. I felt he had a very argumentative tone to his response and came across at times very condescending. Something I despise in people. Another of my triggers. I don't plan on interacting with people in an argumentative condescending way. I would like to have a mature, honest, intelligent, open dialog with people. I have made my agenda known to him. I explained in my response to him that my agenda is to be taken seriously about what I have survived.  Gaiain guy's response is why I posted the article from Donald Michael Kraig at http://www.llewellyn.com/blog/2011/05/true-skepticism-vs-debunking/. I couldn't believe it when I came across his article while I was doing research into true skepticism vs debunking.

I decided to do some research into what Gaiain could mean and found this definition on http://www.crosscurrents.org/Gaia.htm. Gaia hypothesis, succinctly, suggests that the Earth is a self-regulating, self-sustaining entity, which continually adjusts its environment in order to support life. Though a scientific theory, the Gaia hypothesis has, since its initial articulation in 1969, sparked a swirl of religious, New Age, and philosophical reflection, and challenged certain long-held assumptions about evolution, the importance of the human in determining environmental change, and the relationship between life and the environment. Interesting, I learn something knew every day have a great evening blessings, Rosie

I found this neat article on http://www.llewellyn.com/blog/2011/05/true-skepticism-vs-debunking/

True Skepticism vs. Debunking

This post was written by Donald Michael Kraig on May 9, 2011 | Comments (18)

In this blog I have repeatedly pointed to the difference between what I call “true skepticism” and debunking. When a person is a true skeptic, he or she simply holds a neutral position and requires proof before accepting or rejecting a theory as to why something occurs. For example, is reincarnation a reality? For a true skeptic, the proof that goes “beyond a shadow of a doubt” simply doesn’t exist. That doesn’t mean reincarnation isn’t a reality, just unproven. It doesn’t mean we cannot act as if reincarnation is a reality and make use of information gained from past life experiences in our current life. Indeed, I believe we not only can do so, but as a hypnotherapist find it to be a very useful technique.
True skepticism is important in the practice of magick. If a magician is not a true skeptic, a mage might become a victim of his or her fantasies and imagination. A single successful result after performing a ritual might just be chance and not the result of magick at all. Repeated successful results after performing magick is indicative of the effectiveness of your magick.
A debunker, on the other hand, simply denies something. Debunkers will work hard and come up with all sorts of bizarre concepts and outright lies to defend their current beliefs. An example of this is the famous “sTARBABY” incident as reported originally in FATE magazine. Trying to disprove the reality of one aspect of astrology, some researchers repeatedly decreased the size of the sample until they got the results they desired. When this was revealed it changed the face of debunking, splitting CSICOP and ensuring that they would never officially fund “research” again.
Why do debunkers behave this way? I contend that it’s because they have forgotten the ideals of British philosopher Herbert Spencer who wrote:

There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is contempt prior to investigation.

What does trigger mean?

In looking up definitions of trigger I found the one the fits best for what I am talking about on http://www.macmillandictionary.com
 to cause someone to have a particular feeling or memory

 You find that strangely familiar smells trigger memories of childhood.

 I think this speaks very clearly of what a trigger means to someone who has experienced trauma. A trigger effects all five senses. I have many triggers and it took me years to figure out how to function properly with these triggers. One of the main things I used prior to recovery was avoidance. For instance a lot of my triggers were from seeing people who were involved in my trauma. When I would would see them I would have a panic attack. So if I was in a grocery store and had a panic attack I avoided that store. Well there was only so many places to shop or the kids and I would go hungry. So as part of my recovery I had to learn to put plans in affect for what I would do if a panic attack happened.

Childhelp and Barker Educational Services Team Launch Child Abuse Prevention Curriculum to Schools Nationally

I have gotten lost on the web this evening. Everyday I search out web sites and blogs that address traumas. I want to not only keep the blog's resources updated but to get to know other bloggers stories. Since I have survived it, I am especially interested in childhood sexual abuse survivors stories. So I have spent hours reading  blogs on this topic. I have decided to follow some of them. It has been difficult reading some of the blogs. The reason is because I triggered while reading some of them. This is not the fault of the bloggers at all. This just happens even when you are well into recovery there will be times of triggers.  I decided tomorrows blog will be on what triggers are. For awhile it felt like I couldn't breath and it felt like a gray cloud was hanging over my head. So I took a break and went swimming at the YMCA. Came back and read some more then spent awhile adding new resources to the site. I also added new badges of sites I think are important and helpful. This leads me to where I am going. One one of the sites I found information on is child help their site is: http://www.childhelp.org. This whole site's focus in on preventing and educating on child abuse. I felt it was very worthy of being discussed. Please visit the site. Then I went to their speak up be safe page and realized they offer an online education program. I went to their media page and found the article below. It was on Yahoo October 13, 2011.  I will continue to post information on sites I think will be helpful to people. Blessings, Rosie

Childhelp USA has selected Barker Educational Services Team (BEST) to manage the promotion and distribution of its new online educational program. The program, Childhelp Speak Up Be Safe™, is designed to help children, parents and educators to identify, avoid and address child abuse.

Kim Noble

I thought I would share information on Kim Noble. She has DID. I watched her videos on Oprah. Her artwork is good. Her different alters paint in different styles. She has walked a tough road but made the choice to persevere. I can't even imagine what she goes through. Blessings Rosie

                                         This is a video on Kim's DID

PTSD and Holidays

I found the attached link on the Sidran Foundation web site http://www.sidran.org. I located this web site doing research on the history of the false memory syndrome foundation. They seem to do a lot of good work dealing with people who have experienced traumas.

PTSD and Holidays

 It occurred to me that I hadn't addressed anything about the holidays and traumas. This is an important thing to discuss.

Margaret R.

There was one friend of mine that chose to believe I was mentally ill rather than to believe that the RA was real.  Her name is Margaret R., and 20 years ago she went by the name of Peggy. She felt my RA was a manifestation that was implanted in my mind by my therapist. She was the only person of the group of people I shared my survivor story with 20 years ago that felt this way. Why? because she had a daughter Avery who also was having memories of RA. When she first told me that she felt it was all in my head I decided to try to prove to her it wasn't. This is partly why I made some of the bad decisions I made about locating places where the RA occurred. I spent hours and hours with her explaining that; I had never been hypnotized, never had regressive therapy, never had recovered memory therapy and had never been told by my therapist because I was displaying certain behaviors that I had survived RA.

I have posted a challange to Douglas Mesner

Good evening, I have been following a blog by Jeaneatte Bartha at http://jeanettebartha.wordpress.com The name of her blog is Multiple Personalities Don't Exist. This evening I decided to do some research into her story. I want to know more about her story. That is what I like about blogging, you get to know people's stories that you otherwise wouldn't. I found an article from David Mesner on a site called THE PROCESS IS at http://www.process.org/discept. I found an interview that Mr. Mesner did with Ms. Bartha in 2009 here is the link to the article.

http://www.process.org/discept/2009/11/15/remembering-lies-interview-with-psychiatric-abuse-victim-jeannette-bartha/ 

  

I found the interview well done and recommend reading it. After reading this article I decided to do some research on Mr. Mesner and he delves into what he believes is skeptical. He has articles on people who claim to survive being abducted by aliens and especially focuses in on SRA, DID and inappropriate therapies. I think his level of skepticism is good. I'm not sure he is without an agenda. After reading several of his articles I decided to leave him a comment. I have copied and pasted it below. I challenged him to interview me. I hope he takes me up on it. It would be wonderful to have a skeptic interview me and investigate my story. To be honest I am sick to death of hearing that RA or SRA doesn't exist. Are their stories that are out there that might not be true, yes. I am very frustrated as a survivor to have some people automatically debunk what I have gone through without interviewing and investigating my story. I am up to the challenge. Something to be thankful for today! Blessings, Rosie

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone

I found the article below on msn.com. While today is a great day to celebrate what we all have to be thankful for. I find it personally important to not only give thanks but to spread hope. We should never forget that as we speak there are children who are suffering unimaginable traumas. For children raised in violent homes the holidays are usually full of dysfunctional drama. Speaking from my experience they are scared, anxious, trying to avoid added trauma, keeping the peace, trying to not be noticed and hoping for company because when company was over Ruth usually projected what a good mom she was. Lets pass some hope on and start a revolution to end child abuse! Blessings, Rosie

 Report: 1 of 2 new abuse allegations made by Sandusky family member

NBC Philadelphia, msnbc.com staff and wire reports
In the latest development to the Jerry Sandusky alleged child sex scandal, one of the two new abuse allegations was made by a family member of the former Penn State assistant football coach, his lawyer said Wednesday.
Sandusky’s attorney Joe Amendola told The Patriot-News that the allegations stem from a Sandusky family dispute. He characterized the other case as an example of people trying to mimic other allegations and "jump on the bandwagon," according to the Associated Press. Amendola contends that both are unfounded.

My realization that hating fake people is directly related to surviving ritual abuse.

All of my life my experience with people who are not real has actually driven me crazy. I have gone into post traumatic stress over this several times in my life. I have been thinking a lot about this lately. I am in the process of experiencing another person who represented themselves to be one way but were not at all who they projected them self to be. It is naive of me to think that a person should be who they project themselves to be and not some liar. I know both personally and professionally that people are products of their environments. When you survive ritual abuse there are people involved in the cult that are upstanding members of society. I know that people will say, "This chick is crazy with her babbling about ritual abuse. It doesn't exist why the heck does she keep talking about it." I talk about it because it is real. I am evidence that it is real.

Watching a friend suffer is terrible.

I had dinner this evening with the friend I have that survived ritual abuse. It was hard to be with her. Not because of anything she has done but because of watching the long term effects of her child sexual abuse and ritual abuse. She is diagnosed with severe mental health issues. She started seeing things a couple of months ago. She said at the time that this was due to her spirituality. Today she expressed how scary seeing these things are. I asked her if she has gone to see her psychiatrist and she said, "Yes, but they keep putting me on the wrong medication that doesn't work." I asked her if she had told the psychiatrist about her ritual abuse and she said, "No I haven't told anyone here about my ritual abuse. I don't talk to anyone about that but you." That saddens me. Not because I think she should be talking about her experience with ritual abuse. It saddens me because it is so shameful, horrible, and unbelievable that she doesn't believe they will believe her. That has been her experience from other mental health providers. She has lived all over the country and has sought help for her mental health issues for years. Some have believed her and some haven't.

Understanding someone's history of trauma.

I am thoroughly enjoying this blog. I am especially enjoying reading other blogs. It is good to read others stories. I am learning a log about trauma that I didn't know. I am learning that there are people who have been traumatized by the wrong diagnosis. I can't imagine being diagnosed with a mental illness to find out you never had it in the first place. It would piss me the heck off and I would want everyone to know what happened and why. I can't imagine the trust issues that surround having a therapist or mental health team misdiagnose me. I have heard of people being treated for chronic health conditions they didn't have due to incompetent doctors. I myself have experienced a doctor refusing to put me on medication due to the anxiety attacks I was having in my late teens. This doctor could have saved me years of suffering if he had been willing to properly diagnose and treat me.

Decided to change the blog a little.

I am trying hard to clean up my blog. I don't like how distracting it was becoming. I need to keep it as user friendly as possible. As soon as I figure out how to add the links on the resource page I will have all of the links there. It will make this blog look a lot more put together. Blessings Rosie

I had a thought today on adding more resources to this blog.

I have been reading so much lately about child sexual abuse. It occurred to me this morning when I read Grace's comment that I needed to add more resources to this page.  I decided to start adding information on; state licensing boards for mental health practitioners, state complaint boards on how to file a complaint against a mental health practitioner, and state disclosure boards on disciplinary action taken against a mental health practitioner. I will need to research state by state so it may take me a week or so to complete the list.

The intent of this blog is not to just share my story of survival and recovery, but to educate. I started thinking how important it would be for people to have a type of clearinghouse where they can find all sorts of information on mental health issues. My choice is to focus in on multiple trauma's and mental health issues. I focus on occult abuse and the mental health issues this type of abuse causes because this is the biggest trauma I have experienced. People need to know how to gain access to filing complaints if they have had a situation where that is warranted. I want to make this process easier. When you are in the middle of a crisis it is hard to focus in on what steps to take. I want people to feel they have easy access to information. I want to be able to have people check out mental health practitioners to see if they have had any disciplinary actions against them. I am fortunate in that I have never had a problem with the mental health practitioners that helped both me and my children. I am learning that this isn't always the norm. If you know of any other resources that would be helpful please leave a comment or send me an email. Blessings, Rosie

Very important article. It discusses rape being rape no matter what the child's gender is. Sexual abuse is just that sexual abuse.

Don Lemon: No matter the gender, rape is rape

Editor's note: Don Lemon anchors CNN Newsroom during weekend prime-time and serves as a correspondent across CNN's U.S. programming. He is the author of the memoir "Transparent."

By Don Lemon, CNN
(CNN) - I don’t remember exactly when it started for me.
It was before the first grade. I must have been 5 years old, maybe 4. My mother was divorced and worked during the day. My grandmother was my sitter. She watched over my sisters and me as much as she could, but even her watchful eye wasn’t enough to keep me out of the hands of my abuser.
He was an older teen: the son of one of my mom’s friends. He and two older teen boys, almost in their 20s, preyed on me and some of the younger boys in my neighborhood. The "incidents" - as I referred to in therapy for years - happened up until I was 12 or 13 years old. It was easier for me to call it the "incidents" then because calling it molestation was just too hard, even for me, a survivor of child sex abuse.
So, I imagine it’s difficult for people who haven’t dealt with abuse to confront it, face it, or, for that matter, know what to call it. But if the events at Penn State are to teach us anything, it should be that we can no longer turn away from something so ugly just because we struggle to define it or accept it exists.

Maintaining my schedule

I stupidly messed up my sleeping schedule last night. When someone survives severe trauma in their childhood they run the risk of a lifetime of different types of illness. I unfortunately have one that will be with me the rest of my life. It is called fibromyalgia. I have been diagnosed with this since 1999. I had the symptoms of fibromyalgia since 1988. There are many claims as to what fibromyalgia is. In order to be diagnosed with fibromyalgia you have to have 11 of 18 pressure points. You also have to had the chronic pain that comes with fibromyalgia for 3 months.The Doctor in North Carolina who diagnosed me told me that there is a high correlation between trauma and this syndrome. Some of the theories about what causes fibromyalgia is are; a sleep disorder, having too much substance P in your spinal fluid, a neurological problem where sufferers experience pain differently then the general population and caused by trauma. This trauma can be a car accident, rape, child abuse, domestic violence, or any other trauma the body sufferers. For me fibromyalgia causes great fatigue.

How horrible

Reading Reuters this evening I came across the article below. Can you imagine a child suffering a mental health issue so bad they get admitted to a state hospital. Then they get abused by the psychiatrist who was supposed to be helping them recover from the mental health issue. This is terrible. I don't understand how as a nation we don't take the cancer of child abuse seriously. Let's stamp out child abuse! Blessings, Rosie

Texas child psychiatrist fired over sex abuse allegations

By Corrie MacLaggan

AUSTIN, Texas | Thu Nov 17, 2011 1:54pm EST

AUSTIN, Texas (Reuters) - A child psychiatrist at a state hospital for the mentally ill was fired after an investigation sexual abuse allegations against him, state officials said on Thursday. Law enforcement officials have been notified of the allegations against Dr. Charles Fischer of Austin State Hospital, said Patrick Crimmins, a spokesman for the Texas Department of Family and Protective Services.

Technology

I am working hard on learning technology. I have created a Facebook page for this blog. I just spent a good half hour trying to figure out how to put the like button on this page. This was in vain because I couldn't figure it out.

I created the page to bring a focus on three things. 1). Ending Child Abuse. 2) Discussing the long term effects of child abuse or as I call it multiple traumas.3) Providing a forum to share resources on trauma.

I am a little scared about having a Facebook page because I haven't shared finishing my memoir with very many people. Yes I have it here on my blog but I haven't shared the blog with a lot of people I know. Having the visability on Facebook is going to mean that people will know of my surviving RA. This will change some peoples opinion of me, upset others and cause others distress. The reality is if I want the memoir published that means hopefully, a lot of people will read it. So what is the difference? Either way the story is out there. I know that this has pushed me even further to divulging my history with people. I call it outing myself. Blessings, Rosie

Blog on trauma check it out

Putting it all out there...: part 85

Finding myself enjoying visiting other blogs

I am enjoying going to other blogs and reading them. I have been looking for more blogs that focus on trauma. There are  a log of blogs that have to do with surviving traumas. I am working my way through some of them. I have created a page on blog frog. It is a community site where you can follow and interact with other bloggers. I will be spending time learning how to use blog frog and will create links back to this page. I am hoping to start conversations with people who have survived traumas, people who care for someone who has survived traumas and professionals who work with trauma survivors.

Tomorrow is a month since I started this blog. I haven't missed one day of blogging. I had been out of work because I had surgery and was worried what would happen once I was back at work. All that has happened is that I will end up blogging later in the evening. Right now my time it is after eleven thirty in the evening.

I have been making some changes in my life. Since my surgery I have been going to the gym and have been swimming. I started doing this three weeks ago and have only missed going twice. It feels good to swim and I recently started walking a mile each day before I swim. It is important to for me to remember to pace myself. I had forgotten how much I loved to swim. Due to my traumas I tend to close myself all from others. Especially since I moved so far from family and friends. I have just focused on work to the exclusion of making new friends here. Going to the gym is forcing me to go outside myself and interact with others. I am starting to enjoy it. I am embracing this new chapter in my life. I have put a link to a blog on traumas below. Blessings, Rosie


scientificamerican.com

Coping stratagies from multiple traumas

It is amazing the gift God has given us to deal with coping with multiple traumas. I have traumatic amnesia. If I didn't have traumatic amnesia I would be a mess. I most likely wouldn't be able to function. I try to find goodness in everything I have survived. If I didn't try to find goodness I would feel empty. God has always been there in all of the things I survived. I am for ever grateful for that. I can remember several instances of angels being with me. It got to the point that it seemed natural to be stuck in a box, having adults walk round and round this box telling me to denounce God and having cherubs playing with me. I can remember being able to block out the voices of the abusers while playing with the cherubs.

Here I am this small child. The child you see on my blog page. Sitting on the ground seeing the feet of the abusers walking past the opening in the box. I have come to believe the box was a dog house. I am sitting there afraid and cold. The next thing I know I'm playing with three or four cherubs. Before I know it I can't even hear anything. I'm so engrossed in this play. Can you imagine if I wasn't given this gift? I don't want to imagine it. I have survived hell and back and without God I would be no where.

I have had people question where I got my belief in God from because I was so young when the abuse started. I have been told that there was no way that I could have possibly known it was God who sent these angels. They have told me that I must have had some formal religious foundation. I have explained that I remember attending Church from age five to eight. God wasn't talked about often in my family. The times he was were because we had "Hauntings" going on in my house throughout my childhood. Ruth would tell us to evoke the name of Jesus and that would cast out the demons. I just knew the angels were sent by God. I think a child knows these things instinctively. I don't know for how many years I played with these angels but I will always be grateful. Blessings, Rosie

Interesting article on DID

Good quote I found that is appropriate for this blog

                                           I have said this quote at times in my life.

I honestly believe that for every bad thing we can find something good. Sometimes it is extremely hard to do but, it is doable. Both my sister and I have said that when it came to being mother's we did exactly the opposite of what Ruth did. I guess the reality is that we had the opportunity to be different mother's and we took it. I find myself having a lot of empathy for Ruth the older I get. Writing the memoir has released a part of me. I am definitely freer then I was before I wrote it. I still have hard work ahead of me getting it edited and published but having it written down allows me to focus my energy differently. I noticed lately that I am enjoying having memories of good times with her because there were good times.

I am able to distinguish between times when the good alter was out and when the bad alter was out. The good alter was kind, funny, patient, and sweet. This alter was very sincere and taught me many things. She taught me to smile at the elderly because it can be the only smile they get all day. She taught me that it isn't the amount of money that you spend on a gift. It is that you make sure it is a gift that the person will like. She spent time explaining how to figure out what a person will like. I find myself still doing this as I am going shopping for Christmas. I noticed today that my son takes great pleasure in making sure that he buys his friends gifts they will like. This is a gift that Ruth gave me that I have passed on to my children. I have to remember to focus on the goodness as well as the bad. Yes, I have survived one of the most horrific things a child can survive. I have periods of time where this overwhelms me and I still get upset, but there is always something good. My memories right now are focusing on the something good and I need to just sit back and enjoy it. Blessings, Rosie

Interesting article

 I just found this article on Yahoo News. It talks about early childhood sexual abuse and heart disease. I thought I would post it hear for readers. Rosie

Child sexual abuse and heart disease

Grace and Gratitude

This morning I got up and went to Church. I have been avoiding Church for most of this year. This is something weird for me because for most of my adult life I have been very involved in Church. For some reason I was feeling like I wanted to just fade into the background. A motivator is that I had to go to two memorials this week. The one I went to yesterday really moved me. I like going to Church where you can feel the love of God. I have been to some Churches where I haven't been able to feel God's presence. I went to a very fundamental Church this morning where a lot of Hymns are sung. This brought me to tears. It felt good to be brought to tears out of feeling the presence of God. I am not usually a person who likes strict fundamental Churches because they tend to be very conservative and I am not very conservative. I really enjoyed going this morning. The whole service was on Grace it was something I needed to hear. Grace is so important in our lives. For me grace keeps me going knowing that I am in Gods grace, especially. Giving others grace is helpful to them as well. Knowing I am capable of giving and receiving grace makes me feel alive. Knowing I am loved by God and can love others is marvelous.

I knew I have been wrestling with things spiritual since I made the decision to write my memoir.

Fear of loosing one's support..

When I was growing up obtaining Ruth's love was everything. Loosing her love to me until I was 27 years old was unthinkable. When I was 16 years old Ruth's father died. My grandfather George. I purposely stayed home from school the day we found out and school was my sanctuary. I stayed home to be a comfort to her. I thought she wouldn't want to be alone all day. She allowed me to take care of her, she cried in my arms. We spent the day talking about my grandfather. I made her lunch. It was the closest I had felt to her probably in my whole life. Why did I do this? I did it because I honestly thought that if I showed her compassion that she would show it back. I thought if I nurtured her that somehow she would be able to nurture me in return. I felt really good that day I thought it would be a turning point in our relationship. I wanted to show her I was worthy of her loving me.

Found this thought it is appropriate to this site

Article from CNN on the Penn State Coverup of Sexual Abuse

http://www.cnn.com/2011/11/10/living/warning-signs-of-sexual-abuse/index.html?hpt=hp_t1

This whole situation stinks like a pile of manure. It is unbelievable how this was let to happen. All I can see when I look at this story is that bad things, terrible things can happen and people cover it up. The whole system was corrupt why? because of money. Sports are a big thing and the University didn't want to risk its image being tainted with this coming out. I don't know how they can sleep at night. When a child suffers something like this and no adult tries to help it hurts their very soul.

The unfortunate reality of is that stuff like this happens all of the time and is covered up. I don't understand why when their is evidence of adults hurting children that society doesn't believe in ritual abuse. How is the covering up of ritual abuse any different then covering up child sexual abuse. Both go hand and hand. I don't think there is any survivor of ritual abuse that hasn't been sexually abused as well. Sickens and frustrates me, Rosie

News about Satanic incident in Wisconsin

When I saw the story (I attached in the earlier post) today on the news the first thing I thought was surprise that SRA was covered by the media. I am learning that the main stream media doesn't cover SRA. So for this to hit the news was interesting. I have read on web sites that these two women were psychotic. That's interesting because we don't want to believe that SRA exists we label the people who commit SRA with psychosis. I know first hand that because the stories seem so over the top that people have a tough time believing this exists. I hope this story leads to more stories. It really sucks knowing that you were victimized by SRA. That you have to live with the aftermath of this every single day of your life and that people choose to not accept it exists.

While reading the article on this incident it seemed to me that these girls were looking for help. I wouldn't doubt if they both have been victimized by SRA and this is the way they are trying to get help to get out of the cult. Call me crazy but sometimes crazy is true. Rosie

Two women arrested in satanic sex ritual stabbing

Two women arrested in satanic sex ritual stabbing

Shame-tough evening this evening

I haven't experienced P.T.S.D. in a long time. This evening was rough and my P.T.S.D. became triggered. Let me explain; when I was growing up I grew up in a house that had the smell of cat and dog feces and urine. Ruth did try when I was young to do repairs on the house, but that smell got into the wood. This meant that there was dog and cat feces that needed to be cleaned every day a couple of times a day. The animals would bring in mud and it would make the walls full of mud when they shook it off. It was my responsibility to clean the main part of the house from top to bottom every Saturday. I wasn't allowed to go out except to work when I got older until the house was clean. This entailed; the walls, floors, ceilings (for cob webs), cabinets, windows, stairs, porch, dusting all of the nick knacks, the back porch and the bar space. I hated it I grew up with five brothers and one sister and I was the only one that had to do these chores. Yes, I did feel like Cinderella.

Set of videos posted today on my blog

I decided to look for videos on trauma and guilt instead of survivors guilt. What I ended up finding is videos by a Dr. Joan Pastor out of California. I watched all of the videos. They are a series she did on trauma and it's effects on people. She talks about PTSD and anxiety and how they are a symptoms of trauma. She speaks in a way that is very easy to understand. She discusses long term effects of trauma and how people can heal from them. Out of all of the videos I have been viewing to post on this blog I really like her's a lot. I have subscribed to her page and when she posts other videos that pertain to trauma I will post them. She did a whole series on stress and covers traumas and stress reactions. I won't post them until I talk specifically about trauma and stress. I hope that you like them and find them helpful. Have a blessed day, Rosie

Good Videos on Trauma

Survivor guilt continued

I wanted to continue the discussion on survivor guilt I thought I would put up a couple of definitions on guilt:  This definition is from http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary- feelings of culpability especially for imagined offenses or from a sense of inadequacy. A common definition is-
to make (someone) feel guilty, esp. in order to induce them to do something.
It is very common for trauma survivors to feel guilty. One of the reasons is because when you have survived traumas like; sexual, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse the abuser makes you feel guilt. For instance when I was growing up with Ruth she never took any responsibility for her actions. Her actions were always blamed on others. When you are told that you caused something even if you didn't after a while you start to believe it. She spent a lot of time telling anyone who would listen what a terrible kid I was. If we went out shopping and bumped into people they would say to her things like Roseann is a good kid. Ruth's response was always you should live with her. She isn't as good as you think. It would always make me feel terrible. I remember thinking how it would have been nice of her to at least once agree that I was a good kid.

Survivors Guilt

I searched today for videos about survivors guilt. I like posting videos because I feel it reinforces the topic I am addressing. Unfortunately after looking for several hours I didn't find a video that I felt was appropriate. I wanted a generic type of video that someone who has suffered any type of a trauma could watch and get support from. There were several videos on 911, the holocaust, wars, tsunami's, Japans nuclear reactor horror, and other natural disaster's. While these are all horrible traumas I couldn't find one video on what it is like to have survivors guilt from surviving trauma's like; child abuse, neglect, sexual assault, domestic violence or cult traumas. It is probably because one of the common definitions of survivor guilt deals with surviving a trauma where people died but you didn't. I know from first hand experience that you can have survivors guilt for surviving something because you didn't feel like you were worthy enough to live. For me I was convinced that I was going to die at the hands of Ruth before I got out of childhood. To survive into adulthood caused survivors guilt. I had been preparing almost my whole childhood to die when I didn't it was like. What do I do now?

A good example of this is the AIDS epidemic. For years AIDS patients were preparing to die. I have read articles on how many went through their life savings and sold their homes because they were living in the here and now. Then when advanced medicine helped AIDS to become a chronic disease instead of an automatic death sentence they suffered survivors guilt. Some expressed anger because they lived so many years preparing to die and they didn't. 

I will be focusing the next couple of days on trauma and; survivor guilt, shame and fear of loosing family support by divulging the "secret"

Both survivor guilt and shame are very big side effects of trauma. Especially multiple traumas; sexual abuse, emotional abuse, spiritual abuse, domestic violence, neglect, etc. My RA has effected me in many ways and shame and survivor guilt have plagued me my entire life. The fear of loosing family support is difficult. Most families with the above traumas don't want the secret to come out.They teach the child that they can't trust themselves. They go to great lengths to protect the secret. This teaches the child that they can't trust their inner voice. This happened to me and I didn't learn to trust my inner voice until I was in my mid 30's. I will also discuss how to find community resources to help a person to be able to receive support around these issues. I'll write again this evening, Rosie

Research

I have been visiting blogs and web sites about writing and editing. This has opened another new world for me. It is amazing how much time goes by when you are doing research. The last class on writing I took was in 1994. You would think that writing your own life story would be easy. It is easy in the sense that you know the story. You just have to take the time or make the time to start writing. You need to know how to use words in a way for the reader to clearly understand your message. You need to know how to use proper sentence structure, tenses, commas, quotations, etc.  One of the things I am learning is that if I had started writing my memoir into editing software I would be more organized in my writing. I have decided to attempt to use Scrivener. It was recommended on some of the sites I researched.  It will mean I have to almost start over but I think it will be worth it. I plan on using it step by step so I can learn how to use this software. Since my book is technically done I will just have to use my current draft as part of my research on the book.  Since I am planning on writing more books after I finish this one it is going to be important that I know how to use editing software.  I am finding this process exciting. I am fortunate I had a publisher that was willing to look at my book. She said what I knew which is that it needs a lot of editing. She was happy that I understood the memoir is no where near a finished product.                         

Learning about editing

I knew when I started to write my memoir I didn't have any experience as a professional writer. I realized this evening that while I had written my memoir I had not created any chapters. I just wrote it without breaking it up into cohesive chapters. I also learned that I need to get an editor or some good editing software. Nothing I know anything about but I am sure I will learn a lot about. I think it may be imperative for me to take a class or two on this. Now that I have everything written down I just need to focus on creating chapters and getting it edited. One of the things that I had learned when I was writing papers to get my degrees was that it may take several times to get the paper correct. Getting this book edited shouldn't be any different then that. I wish I had more experience in writing books but you have to start somewhere. I am hoping that after I go through this process of writings, editing and getting the memoir published I can go on and write more books. I am planning on starting a company as part of marketing the memoir when it is published.

Long term abuse

Please watch thanks, Rosie

Video on the long term affects of chld abuse

Meeting new people

I never purposely tried to meet someone else that has survived RA. I met one person where I live that has a diagnosis of severe mental illness because of being involved in a RA cult. When we met and started talking we couldn't believe how much our stories were alike as far as the actual ceremonies. We both have cult signs that were put on our bodies she says hers was branded on and visible. She got tattoos to cover hers. Mine were carved into my skin and visible when you pull the skin back. I am considering getting tattoos to cover mine. We grew up in different parts of the country me in New England and her in the south. She traveled across the country as a migrant worker with leaders of the cult she was born into. I shared with her how lucky I felt that at least I was able to grow up in one town and one area. It is hard enough going through all of the trauma and abuse but having to move to a new area all of the time must have been hard. Her RA led her to be a drug user and she was in and out of jail at times. I have asked her if she was thinking about writing her story and she said, "No I doesn't want to traumatize my children because they are not aware." I told her I understood wanting to protect your children.

Getting ready for the skeptics

Since I started this blog and finished my memoir I have a sense of calmness. I have a sense of relief. I spent the past 20 years of my life being afraid of this thing called RA. I shared it with those close to me. The only reason my children knew about it was because in 1997 when they found the skull of the girl that I witnessed being killed. I had a very bad flash back after reading the article in the Shore Line Times. Both of my children were home at the time and I was reliving seeing what had happened. When you are reliving a trauma it is amazing how your body takes you right back to that place. You see what happened just like it was right in front of you. So I don't remember what I was saying I just remember crying and crying and talking about seeing it and how frightened I was. I had revereted back to the 10 year old who witnessed it. I even spoke in a 10 year old voice.  Before I could regain my composure my children came into my room. I had remarried by then and my husband was with me. When I saw the children I waved for them to leave the room, but David said, "Roseann they need to know. They need to know that there will be times this will happen and that you will be okay."

Some thoughts on those who helped me throughout my life

As readers read through my blog they will see that I share my gratitude for those people who have helped me in my life. When I was very young Ruth belonged to the Old Stone Church in East Haven, Connecticut. I remember being really small and attending preschool and church school.  There were people there who I remember warmly and fondly. When I became school age I had a lot of support from teachers through out my elementary school experience. My aunts started taking me some of the summer. I hardly remember summers in East Haven, CT where I grew up until I was over 10 years old. This could be because of traumatic amnesia, splitting or programing. When I was 8 or 9 years old I started making friends in the neighborhood. These friendships allotted me the opportunity to not have to be home until I heard the alarm go off from the fire department at 5 pm.