Getting ready for the skeptics

Since I started this blog and finished my memoir I have a sense of calmness. I have a sense of relief. I spent the past 20 years of my life being afraid of this thing called RA. I shared it with those close to me. The only reason my children knew about it was because in 1997 when they found the skull of the girl that I witnessed being killed. I had a very bad flash back after reading the article in the Shore Line Times. Both of my children were home at the time and I was reliving seeing what had happened. When you are reliving a trauma it is amazing how your body takes you right back to that place. You see what happened just like it was right in front of you. So I don't remember what I was saying I just remember crying and crying and talking about seeing it and how frightened I was. I had revereted back to the 10 year old who witnessed it. I even spoke in a 10 year old voice.  Before I could regain my composure my children came into my room. I had remarried by then and my husband was with me. When I saw the children I waved for them to leave the room, but David said, "Roseann they need to know. They need to know that there will be times this will happen and that you will be okay."
Telling my children about this was one of the worst things I have ever had to tell them. Can you imagine learning your mother survived RA. Once I regained my composure I only shared a little bit about what I had survived. I shared the programming with them because I felt that was the simplest thing to share without them learning the extent of what I went through. They had always known that I was abused in other ways by Ruth. They also knew of her occult involvement with the spells, etc. They also knew that I made the decision when I was 27 years old to never talk with Ruth again. They felt bad and I felt worse because I had no intention of them even being aware of this until they were adults. They both said that they were glad they knew so they would be aware of future flashbacks. I still haven't told them everything. They both want to read the memoir and I told them that I need to sit down with them before they do that. There are things I have written about that they are not aware of and I want to tell them first hand before they read it.
It was wonderful when I finished the memoir. I called my daughter and I read her the last two paragraphs. We just cried together. She told me that she was proud of me and that I have grown tremendously. She was happy to hear that by writing the book I learned a lot about what Ruth was going through and that I wasn't as angry with her anymore. I asked her if she would be upset if I got the book published and had to travel and speak about the RA. She said, "Are you kidding me? No, I'll be proud." She told me she felt that my book was going to give a lot of people hope. That I would have a lot of opportunities to share God with people. When I first moved out of Ruth's house I hadn't attended church for a while. I was very frightened of church. I had been invited to a couple of Bible studies and I refused. The reason why was because I was so afraid of being taught things that weren't taught the right way. I didn't want to risk going to hell because I believed the wrong thing. I didn't attend a Bible study until 17 years after I moved out of Ruth's house. One of the things that I had help with from God when I was being abused is that he sent me cherubs to play with. I know people are going to say I'm crazy so be it. I was there I know what happened. God doesn't have any control over free will, but he did what he could when I was being abused. There are many stories from people who survived severe traumas as children that talk about them seeing angels. I feel honored that God was trying to help. I developed a strong relationship to God when I was about 25 years old. I believe that God has led me to be where I am in my life. This relationship is told throughout the book and I hope that does help people.
When I read the last 2 paragraphs of the book to my son he was concerned. I could tell and we had a good talk about it. His concern is the skeptics and what they will say and do to me. He is concerned because I have already been persecuted and he doesn't want it to happen again. He explained to me that the subject is such a tough thing because it is hard for people to get their heads around. He said, "I'm your son and believe you and I still have a tough time wrapping my head around it." I shared with him that it happened to me and I sometimes have a tough time wrapping my head around it as well. I asked him if he would be okay with me getting the book published and traveling around talking about the RA and he said he would be. I told him I will be okay with the skeptics that I have already survived the most horrific thing imaginable. I told him that I am no longer afraid to speak out about the RA. I am no longer embarrassed or ashamed about it. With RA the reason people don't speak out is because of fear. The reason I haven't written my book before now was because of fear. It is a terrible thing to have to live your life in fear. I won't do it anymore. I can't the cat is out of the bag and I am running with it. Have a great night, Rosie