Trust continued....

As I mentioned yesterday I am very grateful for people who helped me learn to trust. As hard as it is to go through trauma, it is imperative that we are able to look for areas in our lives that were good despite the trauma. The question is how the heck do we do that? Let me share some of my story......



For me, it took many years I left home at 18 while finishing my senior year in high school. Ruth had undiagnosed multiple personality/dissociative disorder. She had 2 personalities good or evil.  She wasn't diagnosed until she was 57 years old and had been forced to move into a nursing home after she had a couple of strokes. She had to move because she was so mentally ill that her house was condemned. She was unable to care for the house and had cats and dogs that had multiplied. I was told that her house made the neighborhood smell terrible.


The day I left home was because she had beaten me up pretty bad.  My sister and Ruth's boyfriend watched the whole thing. I screamed for them to please call the police. I told them she is going to kill me and you both are going to just stand there frozen watching her. It was at that point when Ruth regained her composure and just walked away. I packed my belongings and left unaware where I was going to go, but I knew that was it. If I didn't leave she would end up killing me and I couldn't let that happen. I had been facing this most most of my childhood but could never leave before then. I was asked to leave by my therapist when I was 16, and I just couldn't at that time.

I had a good friend whose family took me in temporarily. The following week Susan, in my quote under why create a blog like this? came to me to ask me if she and her husband could meet with me. I worked with both of them at a grocery store. While we worked together for almost 2 years by then I didn't really know either of them. I was a cashier and they worked in the meat department. If it was just Susan I would have been more trustful of the both of them. Since it included her husband I assumed that it was something inappropriate. I decided to meet with them for lunch at a restaurant and they told me they were aware of what was going on with me and wanted to help me. They were getting divorced and Susan wanted to ask me if I would become her roommate. I was so astounded and asked if I could see the apartment. She said, "Yes" and she brought me there after work. I asked her why she was doing this and she said, "I'm helping you because I was in your position once and the woman that helped me said","All I expect of you is to help someone else out when they need it." She said, "This is all I am asking of you."

Once I left home my  friend and her family were the first people I had to trust at the beginning of my life's journey into adulthood. Susan was the second person I had to trust in order to move forward with my life at that time. When you are raised in an environment where you don't feel loved you take a lot of abuse just in case you might get the love you crave. Sounds silly but it is very true. It is amazing how many people in life tolerate continued abuse from their parent(s) well into adulthood. They do this because they crave their parent(s) love. That was an overwhelming thing for me until I was 27 years old when I finally got the courage to say to Ruth, "that's it I am done and I am never speaking to you again in my life." I meant it and kept my word, but that is a story for another day.

Remember building trust is hard but worth it. People need to earn our trust they shouldn't just get it freely, until we know we can trust them. At the time I left home I didn't go to Church but beleived in God. As I have looked back at my life I realize how close God was to me all of my life. I learned by the time I was 27 that I could trust God and he would guide me in my life if I allowed him to. This doesn't mean I listened. Listening came later in my early 30's.

I don't want this blog to be specifically about God because I certainly don't want to turn some people off that will benefit from this blog that don't currently have a belief system. When we suffer trauma this can lead us to not have a belief system. I want to share my story with the reader and there will be times I share God as well because of his importance in my journey. 

I hope everyone has a great night. Rosie