I searched today for videos about survivors guilt. I like posting videos because I feel it reinforces the topic I am addressing. Unfortunately after looking for several hours I didn't find a video that I felt was appropriate. I wanted a generic type of video that someone who has suffered any type of a trauma could watch and get support from. There were several videos on 911, the holocaust, wars, tsunami's, Japans nuclear reactor horror, and other natural disaster's. While these are all horrible traumas I couldn't find one video on what it is like to have survivors guilt from surviving trauma's like; child abuse, neglect, sexual assault, domestic violence or cult traumas. It is probably because one of the common definitions of survivor guilt deals with surviving a trauma where people died but you didn't. I know from first hand experience that you can have survivors guilt for surviving something because you didn't feel like you were worthy enough to live. For me I was convinced that I was going to die at the hands of Ruth before I got out of childhood. To survive into adulthood caused survivors guilt. I had been preparing almost my whole childhood to die when I didn't it was like. What do I do now?
A good example of this is the AIDS epidemic. For years AIDS patients were preparing to die. I have read articles on how many went through their life savings and sold their homes because they were living in the here and now. Then when advanced medicine helped AIDS to become a chronic disease instead of an automatic death sentence they suffered survivors guilt. Some expressed anger because they lived so many years preparing to die and they didn't.
I am trying really hard to make sure that I present a well thought out perspective of traumas. While I am sharing my story on the trauma's I have survived I don't want the blog to be so focused on a specific type of trauma that it turns off people who come to read my blog. At the same time those who have been coming to my blog because they may have survived or know someone else who has survived RA may find the way I am addressing trauma's different from other blogs out there. While I have survived RA and will deal with the repercussions the rest of my life. I know there are many people who have survived horrific, terrible things and I don't ever want the reader to think I feel that what I have survived is worse then what they have survived.
I have carried a lot of guilt around how much I didn't suffer compared to others. Have you ever dealt with that? I still carry guilt over not getting my children out of the domestic violence earlier. Even though I have been told a thousand times that I did the best I could I still have days that I feel bad. They are no way near what they were almost 20 years ago. I take great joy in watching my daughter being a terrific mother. I am thankful my grandsons are being raised in such a good family. I am grateful that she and I are at a point where we are good friends. She is open now to believing that some of the things she has gone through in her life were in response to the trauma of the domestic violence. It has been hard for her to acknowledge it because she says she was only 8 years old and has had a good life. I have watched her suffer because of it. We went from being completely impoverished to living somewhat steady. As I finished school and was we were able to live a middle class life style she had a tough time feeling she was worthy. I am guilty of that as well. I have had to learn that it is okay for me to spend money just on myself. I have also struggled with people spending money on me. That sense of not feeling worthy runs really deep. I think I may do a blog on how trauma affects one's sense of worthiness. I will spend more time this week talking about survivors guilt. I have added some links on the page to articles and web sites about survivors guilt. I hope everyone has a terrific evening, Rosie
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