I finished my memoir this evening.

I mentioned before that I had been thinking about writing my life's journey for the past 20 years. Therapists, other mental health professionals, community members where I grew up, my Church's, other professionals, family and friends have all told me I needed to write it. I started writing some when I was about 17 years old. I was very interested in journalism from the age of 15 on. When I was 17 I was very concerned because I was very sick for months. Part of surviving multiple traumas is that it leaves your body a mess. As part of my being hyper-vigilant I worried incessantly about my health. I was having symptoms of dark stools. I was also having a lot of pain in my kidneys.  I did research on it at the library and I found out that it was either an ulcer or colon cancer. Of course in my mind it had to be the cancer. I went to the Doctor and told him my symptoms. He checked my blood and I was severely anemic. He asked about my stools and I lied and said they were fine. He diagnosed me with an ulcer. He put me on iron and medication for the ulcer. He recommended that I eat a bland diet. So I went and purchased  applesauce, instant mashed potatoes, bread so I could toast it anything bland I could think of. When I got home with the news and told Ruth I wasn't eating her food anymore because of it she was upset.

She tried for weeks and weeks to feed me what she had cooked. She even made mashed potatoes and I still refused. I couldn't understand why the sudden interest in me. Then a bell went off at Christmas the previous year Ruth had gotten a bottle shaving kit so she could make things out of glass bottles, like candle holders, etc. At the time she told me that she would be able to kill me and I wouldn't even know it. She said I could put shaved glass into your food and you'd end up bleeding to death no one would know. She called it the perfect crime. I came to believe that she was putting these glass shavings into my food. I got to the point where I bought food each day so she couldn't break into it and do anything to it. I hadn't eaten her meals once I turned 15 because I was working so much after school I was buying my own food and preparing it. Then she started being nice and encouraging me to eat with the family. I didn't stop to think about what she had told me.

It took about 6 months for my anemia, dark stools and kidney pain to go away. I felt much better and made the decision that unless I cooked the meal for the family I wasn't eating. So I had started to cook more so I could be with the family. I wish I was less scared about thinking I had cancer because if the doctor checked my stools he would have ordered more tests. Those tests may have found the glass shavings in my body. So at 17 I started to write my story because I was worried I had colon cancer and was going to die. Luckily that wasn't the case and I didn't start writing the story again until I was 29. Life got hectic and I didn't get very far. Then when I was 31 I had the first flash back of the "big" trauma. Ruth had been into witchcraft, the Ouija board, she lit candles that were used to put spells on people, she did seances, she told us she could talk to the dead. She put peoples names on a piece of paper and put it into the ice cube tray and froze it to put spells on people. She was into tarot cards. People were afraid of her because she would threaten them that she would put a curse on them. She took us to a friends house in Branford, Connecticut and her and those involved would dress in black robes and hoods. We would get locked in closets while they were doing their seances, we were locked in a room together while they were doing their chanting. So I already knew she was into the occult. When I was 3 or 4 years old I was locked in the entrance for a outside basement. At the top of the stairs was this devil statue and I would be locked in their with this statue for hours. I told Ruth that I was in the basement doorway again and she told me that it was a bad dream. I must have told this to her ten or more times and then I just started to believe it was a bad dream. It wasn't it was very real. When I was 31 I remembered a ceremony that was done on me as a 4 or 5 year old child. It was the week of Holy week in 1992. I am told that it is very common for people who survived occult ritual abuse to have their first memory during the Easter season because that is also a holiday time for the occult as well.

I was very fortunate for this to have happened while I was with a bunch of good friends. I couldn't move with this memory. When you have a flash back it is just like you are their. I was at a seafood restaurant when the memory came so I had to leave but I couldn't move. My friends all gradually, slowly got me up and got me to a bench outside. Then I became hysterical and told them what I was remembering. They called my therapist and I asked them to please call my aunt Gerri. She was very important to me. They called her and told her what I was remembering and she and my aunt Betty came to where we were. I got in the car and told her what I was remembering and she said, "Oh baby I am so sorry." I said, "So you believe me." She said, "Yes baby we all knew your mother was into that stuff we just didn't know that you were involved." I just cried and cried and let her hold me and rock me. When I saw my therapist the next day I told her of the memory and she told me, "I've been waiting for your to tell me that." I said, "How did you know." She said, "The imagery that you have been sharing for months." I said, "Then why didn't you tell me." She said, "Because it wasn't my place to tell you. These are your memories not mine." The therapist was Joan and I am forever grateful to her for allowing my memories to be just that my memories. I had to start seeing her twice a week for months and months. She had been doing research into what she felt I was going to tell her. She offered if I wanted to meet another survivor and I said, "No." I was afraid I would either have more flashbacks with this person or I would take on her memories and I didn't want to do either. My next hurdle to go over was my father, step-mother and step-siblings. My parents picked me and the kids up for Easter. I had told them there was something important I needed to share with them. So once we got to their house the kids went inside and we stayed outside. I shared my story and my step-mom whom I call my mom just held me and apologized over and over. My father said that, "I knew she was into that shit Rosie she scared the hell out of me, why do you think I never came around." He went on to say, "I believed it when she said she put spells on me I had a bad accident at work after she told me that once.' Then she came by the site the next day and told me, "See I told you I could put hexes and spells on people." My father apologized over and over as well. He told me that he knew I was going to be angry with him but that I wasn't to ignore my mother (step-mother) he told me that she had nothing to do with any of this all she has done is love me and my kids. I promised him I would continue to come around. Then I spoke to my step sisters and they were very supportive. I am very lucky for the amount of support I have gotten. I am very lucky that Ruth was so demonstrative with her occult use. It was the biggest part of her life for many many years. It made my memories easier to believe. Had she done things in secrecy people would have had a harder time believing me.

While the memories started coming 20 years ago I wasn't comfortable to talk publicly about my story. First of all it is such an unbelievably horrible, horrendous thing and who wants to believe there are people in the world that would do these things to a child. I find myself disbelieving it at times because even though it happened to me I still can't wrap my head around it sometimes. It is a very scary topic and I don't even know all of who was involved. I do know some and I am not going to be caught up in naming names. That would put me at risk all I want to do is tell my story and let people know this happens and you can heal from it and have a good life despite what was done to you. I know that going public with this I will have many people who will tell me that I am crazy that occult abuse doesn't occur it is a Urban Legend. To them I say talk a walk in my shoes. The reason I chose that picture of myself on this blog is because I wanted to make the impact that, that was the age when I was being abused. When I look at that little girl I just want to hug on her and tell her I am so sorry for what those people were doing to her.

I am grateful for everyone who believed, nurtured and took care of me. They helped me to move forward in my life and to be leading a redemptive life. This blog has been what helped me finish the book. I was very close for over six months. Doing this blog has made me realize that I need to share my story. I need to let the world know this stuff occurs. Today when I said to myself that I was going to finish the book and started writing words came out I wasn't expecting. The ending is very powerful and I hope and pray to get it published so I can have a platform to help others who have suffered awful, horrendous things in their lives. I want to be a inspiration for many and hope I can be. I'll write more tomorrow, Rosie