to cause someone to have a particular feeling or memory
I think this speaks very clearly of what a trigger means to someone who has experienced trauma. A trigger effects all five senses. I have many triggers and it took me years to figure out how to function properly with these triggers. One of the main things I used prior to recovery was avoidance. For instance a lot of my triggers were from seeing people who were involved in my trauma. When I would would see them I would have a panic attack. So if I was in a grocery store and had a panic attack I avoided that store. Well there was only so many places to shop or the kids and I would go hungry. So as part of my recovery I had to learn to put plans in affect for what I would do if a panic attack happened.
A lot of the abuse involved knifes I would literally have an anxiety attack if I had to pick up a knife. This was a tough one because knifes are very important utensils when it comes to preparing and cooking meals. So if I couldn't shop or use important cooking utensils you can see what the impact on mine and the kids life would be. It was literally a matter of utmost important that I learned to deal with these triggers. Ruth bread German Shepard's the smell of dog feces or urine are very bad triggers. I fell in love with a white terrier and bought her on impulse. The first time she went the bathroom in the house I freaked out. It was terrible I was acting like a lunatic. I had her for years and the trigger lasted til the day she died. I haven't owned another dog in years because I don't think I can deal with those triggers. The smell of wet dog is a bad trigger as well. Snakes are a very big trigger. They were used in RA ceremonies. They terrified so much I had dreams about them for years. I can't touch a snake I have tried and it sends me into PTSD.
I also have food triggers. Ruth made this disgusting recipe of elbow macaroni with a can of crushed tomatoes poured over it with sauerkraut and hot dogs. My sister made it one night for dinner 26 years ago and I dry heaved and couldn't eat it. I hated that meal and was forced to eat at least once a week if not twice from the time I was old enough to eat table food until I left home at 18. This meal is so ingrained in the trauma of my childhood that I can't eat it. I either took a beating for not eating it or I sat at the table until I ate it. It was horrible hot and putrid cold. I am really fortunate that Ruth was a terrible cook because I would have hated to have a trigger be a food I liked but couldn't eat.
Candles and incenses were big triggers. They were used in some of the RA ceremonies. I can use candles without triggering at this point. Incense still creates triggering.
I have body triggers as well. If I am touched a certain way I immediately pull away. Surviving child sexual abuse is horrible and has lasting effects that affect relationships. To survive the abuse I dissociated/left my body. Dissociating is fine as a coping strategy when abuse/trauma is occurring but isn't healthy when used in relationships. It is one the most unfairness aspects of surviving child sexual abuse. I have never had the experience of learning about sex on my own terms and at my own time. This was stolen from me and it is something I will never get back. One of the most beautiful things a couple can share is so negatively impacted when your a survivor. Have a great night blessings, Rosie
No comments:
Post a Comment