I have located and added to the blog, web pages that discuss and describe the symptoms of trauma. If there are pages or blogs that you know of please feel free to share them. The reason knowing the symptoms is important is that a lot of the time, especially with children the person victimized doesn't or can't talk about their victimization. Being aware of the symptoms will allow you to be knowledgeable and have insight that something may be wrong. This insight can lead to you being able to do something. When I think back over my life span I had many different signs that I was victimized by trauma. One of the worst I remember is when I was 8 years old turning 9 years old. I didn't speak for a month. This trauma was before I learned of my "big" trauma when I was 31 years old. Some of you are going to be able to figure what the big trauma is from some of my imagery that I will share. As I have mentioned before Ruth was very abusive. She did a lot of weird things to keep me afraid of her. Her favorite was to threaten me with knifes. When I was 8 years old I had stopped some of the inappropriate touching from her. I didn't exactly know what it was I just knew it didn't feel right. She had this thing where she would bring some of us kids in her bed and then massage us. For some reason when I was 8 years old I had determined it wasn't right and I wasn't having any more to do with this. When I told her I was leaving her room and that I didn't want her to massage me anymore she got very angry. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable. She tried to convince me that there was nothing wrong happening. I never participated in these massages again.
By the time I was 8 years, Jack didn't live at home any more he left when I was 6 years old. I was only able to see him around the holidays and my birthday. Ruth's terror of me with knifes increased after stopping the massages. When I was watching TV with everyone in the living room I would feel her staring at me. When I turned to look at her she would show me a small paring knife with a wooden handle and smirk at me. I was terrified I thought she was doing it to all of us but as I got older and shared this with my siblings they told me that she didn't do anything like that to them. I had decided that I had to do something because I was convinced that she was going to kill me. In my 8 year old mind the thing I came up with was to write notes that said, "If I die Ruth did it." I slept with socks on, on purpose so I could put a note in each sock every night. I put a note in my underwear, in the barrettes in my hair, in my robe, in ever draw of my dresser, in my clothes, in my school books, jewelery box everywhere I could think of. Then I started sleeping with a crow bar and a hammer. I refused to go to sleep until I knew Ruth was in bed and sleeping. Her room was right across the hall from me. Sometimes this meant I didn't get to sleep until it was 2 or 3 in the morning. She had this thing she did because she knew I wouldn't be asleep. She would go into the kitchen (which was right below my room) and would open the utensil draw and shake it so I would hear and think she was playing with knifes.
To say I felt terror was an understatement. I would have episodes where I felt that I couldn't breathe, my heart would race and I had started having attacks that weren't officially diagnosed until I was 29. They were panic attacks. When I had them I would feel like I was going to die, my heart raced, my stomach hurt, my arms and legs would go heavy and my hands and butt would become numb even the top of my head would feel heavy. This was my body's way of helping me deal with surviving the trauma. I also became withdrawn even at school. I did my work but that year it was really hard to try to be the teacher's pet and deal with how my body was responding to the victimization. About a month before I turned 9 years I heard my sister and Ruth pull Ruth's bed to the window. Our neighbor's were having a fight and Ruth felt it would be funny to sit at the window and watch. It must have been about 11 or 12 o'clock at night. After they moved the bed Ruth caught me watching her. She said to my sister, "Liz go downstairs and get two knifes then when you come back upstairs we'll call Roseann and I'll stand at one end of the hall with one of the knifes and you stand at the hall with the other." She went onto say, "We'll keep on stabbing and stabbing her as she runs back and forth in the hallway." They were both laughing I made my mind up right then that I wasn't going to be stabbed. I jumped out of bed from the top bunk, ran down the hall, down the stairs to the front door, unlocked the door got out and ran to the road. This took about 15 seconds I remember that because Ruth would tell the story of this over and over. Not what she did but how scared Roseann was of a bad dream and how quickly she was able to get out of the house. I remembered the neighbors fight and I went to their house. I told them, "Ruth is going to kill me she told Liz to get knifes and said they were going to stab me." I asked them to please call the police. By then Ruth came out looking for me she saw I was at the neighbors. She tried to get me to come with her and I refused. Ruth tried to tell them that I just had a bad dream and they told her that they believed me. She tried to talk the neighbors into calling the police back and telling them not to come but they wouldn't.
Once the police got there I told them I wasn't going home. I told them I was afraid of her and that she was going to kill me. Ruth kept telling the police, "She just had a bad dream." I would tell them that, "I did not have a bad dream she said she was going to stab me." I told them everything I heard. They asked my sister if it happened and she told them it didn't happen. I refused to go back into the house and asked for my father. I begged the police to call my father and Ruth promised the police she would call my father first thing the next morning. She said, "It's to late to bother Jackie at this hour for a bad dream." The police made me go back into the house. I begged the neighbor to come with me. The police told me that if anything happened again I could call them back.The neighbor and I sat on the couch until I fell asleep. Ruth had tried over and over to comfort me and I wouldn't let her. I just stopped talking I refused to talk to anyone in the household. I went to school and still didn't talk. I did my work but I refused to talk. I did spend time at the neighbors house and Ruth forbid me from going over their anymore. Finally the school got concerned and insisted Ruth take me to someone. It was a month later and near my birthday so Ruth called Jack and asked Jack to come over for my birthday. He came over and I wouldn't talk and he got really upset. He said,"Ruthie how long has she been like this?" Ruth said, "For about a month." He had a fit and said, "So my daughter doesn't talk for a month and you don't think I should know this. What the hell happened? She told him I had a bad dream and since then I hadn't said a word. He told her, "Ruthie a kid doesn't get like this because of a bad dream something bad happened what was it?" She just kept on insisting that I had a bad dream.
Jack insisted on taking me out alone so he could talk with me and Ruth refused. Ruth wanted to go ensure I wouldn't tell the truth. She just cared about her ass not what I was going through. They got into a fight and Ruth told him he couldn't see me unless she went with us. So Jack gave in so he could be with me. Once we got in his truck and started down the street I said, "Hi daddy." He said, "Hi baby." He took me to Metcalf's drug store I got color forms. He told Ruth that he was walking me around the store and he tried talking to me about what was going on. I didn't feel safe to say the truth to him. I did say that it wasn't from a bad dream. I must have spent a couple of hours with him. It was the first time in a month I felt sort of safe. He told me that I had to start talking that the teachers were getting worried about me. I promised him I would talk. Then he took me home. Ruth got furious that I talked to my father but wouldn't talk to her. She asked me, "What the hell have I done to you to make you not want to talk to me?" I wasn't going to say anything to her. In reality it was very possible that her alternate personality was out and wasn't aware of what really happened. I was to young to know anything like that was possible. I did start talking in school and some at home. Then I started having bad nightmares and the attacks continued.
Some of the symptoms I displayed were; anxiety, panic, stopped talking, became withdrawn, had nightmares, didn't feel safe, wouldn't look people in the eye, wouldn't talk about what happened, didn't do any of the activities I had done in the past. I also had episodes of diarrhea. I also feel that I experienced psychosis because I had heard voices, and was seeing things that weren't there. I thought they were real of course. This happened to me from the time I was about 4 years old until I was into my late teens.
I am in no way saying that every person who is victimized/traumatized is going to have these same symptoms. I can guarantee you that if a child in this day in age was displaying these behaviors in school the school would have protocol in place to address issues like this. That is one of the great things that came out of the women's right's era that children were given rights. Ten years later and Ruth would have landed in jail or a psyche ward. Most likely a psyche ward. This is a glimpse into some of what I went through. It is horrible and traumatic but I remain thankful that I am where I am in my life. The neighbor watched over me from the time of the incident until they moved out of the neighborhood when I was 13 years old. I had started making friends and was out of the house a lot during the school year and my aunts took me most of the summers. I slept with those notes in my belongings well into high school. Although by then most of my friends knew what was going on and promised me that if something happened to me they would tell the police the things I had told them. In my experience there is always goodness that comes out of something bad. Sometimes we have to look really hard for it but it is there. It is a lot easier for me now to look back and see why I have the diagnoses I have in my life and where they stem from. Hindsight is always 20/20.
A footnote: After that incident Jack went to a Lawyer and tried to get custody of me and two of my brothers. It was 1970 and at that point they didn't give custody of children to their fathers. He tried for 2 years to do this without success.
I'll post again tomorrow, Rosie
By the time I was 8 years, Jack didn't live at home any more he left when I was 6 years old. I was only able to see him around the holidays and my birthday. Ruth's terror of me with knifes increased after stopping the massages. When I was watching TV with everyone in the living room I would feel her staring at me. When I turned to look at her she would show me a small paring knife with a wooden handle and smirk at me. I was terrified I thought she was doing it to all of us but as I got older and shared this with my siblings they told me that she didn't do anything like that to them. I had decided that I had to do something because I was convinced that she was going to kill me. In my 8 year old mind the thing I came up with was to write notes that said, "If I die Ruth did it." I slept with socks on, on purpose so I could put a note in each sock every night. I put a note in my underwear, in the barrettes in my hair, in my robe, in ever draw of my dresser, in my clothes, in my school books, jewelery box everywhere I could think of. Then I started sleeping with a crow bar and a hammer. I refused to go to sleep until I knew Ruth was in bed and sleeping. Her room was right across the hall from me. Sometimes this meant I didn't get to sleep until it was 2 or 3 in the morning. She had this thing she did because she knew I wouldn't be asleep. She would go into the kitchen (which was right below my room) and would open the utensil draw and shake it so I would hear and think she was playing with knifes.
To say I felt terror was an understatement. I would have episodes where I felt that I couldn't breathe, my heart would race and I had started having attacks that weren't officially diagnosed until I was 29. They were panic attacks. When I had them I would feel like I was going to die, my heart raced, my stomach hurt, my arms and legs would go heavy and my hands and butt would become numb even the top of my head would feel heavy. This was my body's way of helping me deal with surviving the trauma. I also became withdrawn even at school. I did my work but that year it was really hard to try to be the teacher's pet and deal with how my body was responding to the victimization. About a month before I turned 9 years I heard my sister and Ruth pull Ruth's bed to the window. Our neighbor's were having a fight and Ruth felt it would be funny to sit at the window and watch. It must have been about 11 or 12 o'clock at night. After they moved the bed Ruth caught me watching her. She said to my sister, "Liz go downstairs and get two knifes then when you come back upstairs we'll call Roseann and I'll stand at one end of the hall with one of the knifes and you stand at the hall with the other." She went onto say, "We'll keep on stabbing and stabbing her as she runs back and forth in the hallway." They were both laughing I made my mind up right then that I wasn't going to be stabbed. I jumped out of bed from the top bunk, ran down the hall, down the stairs to the front door, unlocked the door got out and ran to the road. This took about 15 seconds I remember that because Ruth would tell the story of this over and over. Not what she did but how scared Roseann was of a bad dream and how quickly she was able to get out of the house. I remembered the neighbors fight and I went to their house. I told them, "Ruth is going to kill me she told Liz to get knifes and said they were going to stab me." I asked them to please call the police. By then Ruth came out looking for me she saw I was at the neighbors. She tried to get me to come with her and I refused. Ruth tried to tell them that I just had a bad dream and they told her that they believed me. She tried to talk the neighbors into calling the police back and telling them not to come but they wouldn't.
Once the police got there I told them I wasn't going home. I told them I was afraid of her and that she was going to kill me. Ruth kept telling the police, "She just had a bad dream." I would tell them that, "I did not have a bad dream she said she was going to stab me." I told them everything I heard. They asked my sister if it happened and she told them it didn't happen. I refused to go back into the house and asked for my father. I begged the police to call my father and Ruth promised the police she would call my father first thing the next morning. She said, "It's to late to bother Jackie at this hour for a bad dream." The police made me go back into the house. I begged the neighbor to come with me. The police told me that if anything happened again I could call them back.The neighbor and I sat on the couch until I fell asleep. Ruth had tried over and over to comfort me and I wouldn't let her. I just stopped talking I refused to talk to anyone in the household. I went to school and still didn't talk. I did my work but I refused to talk. I did spend time at the neighbors house and Ruth forbid me from going over their anymore. Finally the school got concerned and insisted Ruth take me to someone. It was a month later and near my birthday so Ruth called Jack and asked Jack to come over for my birthday. He came over and I wouldn't talk and he got really upset. He said,"Ruthie how long has she been like this?" Ruth said, "For about a month." He had a fit and said, "So my daughter doesn't talk for a month and you don't think I should know this. What the hell happened? She told him I had a bad dream and since then I hadn't said a word. He told her, "Ruthie a kid doesn't get like this because of a bad dream something bad happened what was it?" She just kept on insisting that I had a bad dream.
Jack insisted on taking me out alone so he could talk with me and Ruth refused. Ruth wanted to go ensure I wouldn't tell the truth. She just cared about her ass not what I was going through. They got into a fight and Ruth told him he couldn't see me unless she went with us. So Jack gave in so he could be with me. Once we got in his truck and started down the street I said, "Hi daddy." He said, "Hi baby." He took me to Metcalf's drug store I got color forms. He told Ruth that he was walking me around the store and he tried talking to me about what was going on. I didn't feel safe to say the truth to him. I did say that it wasn't from a bad dream. I must have spent a couple of hours with him. It was the first time in a month I felt sort of safe. He told me that I had to start talking that the teachers were getting worried about me. I promised him I would talk. Then he took me home. Ruth got furious that I talked to my father but wouldn't talk to her. She asked me, "What the hell have I done to you to make you not want to talk to me?" I wasn't going to say anything to her. In reality it was very possible that her alternate personality was out and wasn't aware of what really happened. I was to young to know anything like that was possible. I did start talking in school and some at home. Then I started having bad nightmares and the attacks continued.
Some of the symptoms I displayed were; anxiety, panic, stopped talking, became withdrawn, had nightmares, didn't feel safe, wouldn't look people in the eye, wouldn't talk about what happened, didn't do any of the activities I had done in the past. I also had episodes of diarrhea. I also feel that I experienced psychosis because I had heard voices, and was seeing things that weren't there. I thought they were real of course. This happened to me from the time I was about 4 years old until I was into my late teens.
I am in no way saying that every person who is victimized/traumatized is going to have these same symptoms. I can guarantee you that if a child in this day in age was displaying these behaviors in school the school would have protocol in place to address issues like this. That is one of the great things that came out of the women's right's era that children were given rights. Ten years later and Ruth would have landed in jail or a psyche ward. Most likely a psyche ward. This is a glimpse into some of what I went through. It is horrible and traumatic but I remain thankful that I am where I am in my life. The neighbor watched over me from the time of the incident until they moved out of the neighborhood when I was 13 years old. I had started making friends and was out of the house a lot during the school year and my aunts took me most of the summers. I slept with those notes in my belongings well into high school. Although by then most of my friends knew what was going on and promised me that if something happened to me they would tell the police the things I had told them. In my experience there is always goodness that comes out of something bad. Sometimes we have to look really hard for it but it is there. It is a lot easier for me now to look back and see why I have the diagnoses I have in my life and where they stem from. Hindsight is always 20/20.
A footnote: After that incident Jack went to a Lawyer and tried to get custody of me and two of my brothers. It was 1970 and at that point they didn't give custody of children to their fathers. He tried for 2 years to do this without success.
I'll post again tomorrow, Rosie
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