Instructing kids about sex can be a matter of teaching them age-appropriate good touch and bad touch, but it's important to discuss it in the context of the person they know, trust, and may even like or love, rather than just focusing on strangers.
The rest of those who were surveyed were boyfriends of mothers, step parents, siblings or step siblings, friends of the family, internet acquaintances, baby-sitters, coaches or clergy.
"Kids that come from broken homes -- shy, withdrawn, abused, whether it's emotionally or physically or sexually. Kids who are self destructive, like cutters. Kids who are neglected -- the neglected tend to crave adult attention more. All these types tend to crave adult attention because they're not getting it from home," said the second convicted sex offender who talked on the condition we don't use his name.
"Friendship is the primary reason and tool offenders use to abuse children,"These are good things that parents need to pay attention to. It disgusts me for many reasons the worst for me is that they prey on children period but especially those who are already being abused. I discussed this in a previous blog post. There was an 11 year old girl who didn't try to stop two men who sexually assaulted her and the Judge reduced their sentence because of that. I shared my concern that it is possible this young girl was already being abused as the reason she didn't try to stop her rape. These offenders specifically stated that kids who are neglected are the easiest to groom. Neglect takes many forms and if these children don't feel accepted and loved at home then when a child predator shows them (their skewed) love and affection they may not realize what is happening. They are just happy that they have someone paying attention to them. I wonder how many children of drug addicts are "groomed" and abused by sexual predators. I bet if a survey was taken it would be extremely high. Can you imagine a child who has no food or clothing due to their parents drug use and someone comes along and provides them with food and clothing? Do you think they won't accept it? It is survival for this child. The child might feel that the abuse is tolerable so they can get food. I shared a story in January I believe where a sexual predator preyed on children who where hungry. He would offer them food and then molest them. One of the children he abused had already been abused by him once but the lure of food was to much and the child accepted his invitation to having food again. Now that's pretty sad. We have a lot to do in our society to help kids period. Rosie
Updated: Tuesday, 28 Feb 2012, 10:11 PM CST
Published : Tuesday, 28 Feb 2012, 10:10 PM CST
Published : Tuesday, 28 Feb 2012, 10:10 PM CST
Due to recent high-profile
molestation stories in the news, the FOX 9 Investigators wanted to give
parents information on how to protect their children from sex offenders.
This is information we learned from offenders, through a survey, on how
they choose and manipulate their victims.
The survey was constructed using the help of counselors and therapists who treat sex offenders. All of the people who took the survey are still in treatment.
One of the questions asked: What is the most important thing parents can do to keep their kids from being sexually abused?
Respondents said parents must learn the warning signs and should also perform background checks on anyone who cares for children.
You've heard that before -- but here's something maybe you haven't.
The second recommendation is to teach children about sex -- and the sooner the better. Each little step used by offenders pushes a child and/or leads the child into a sexual situation. If a child doesn't know what's sexual, then they can be taken advantage of. Since older children are naturally curious, abusers take advantage of that.
"This person who seems really nice and is treating them like they are teaching them or giving them information [the child doesn't] have access to, that nobody else is talking to them about. I think it is tempting for kids to sort of go along with " said Yvonne Cournoyer, program director of Stop it Now!, an advocacy group that works to prevent sexual abuse of children.
One convicted sex abuse told Fox 9 that a child who doesn't know anything about sex is at greater risk.
"In the more conservative family, the topic of sex and anything to do with that topic is very hush-hush, almost taboo. So, when anything happens, a child probably doesn't even know what is going on because it's never been brought up," said the man who spoke with the FOX 9 Investigators on a condition of anonymity.
Instructing kids about sex can be a matter of teaching them age-appropriate good touch and bad touch, but it's important to discuss it in the context of the person they know, trust, and may even like or love, rather than just focusing on strangers.
Why does that matter? Because only 6 of the 133 sex offenders surveyed were strangers to the children they abused.
"It's rarely the creepy guy down the block," advised one of the sex offenders who agreed to talk with FOX 9.
The rest of those who were surveyed were boyfriends of mothers, step parents, siblings or step siblings, friends of the family, internet acquaintances, baby-sitters, coaches or clergy.
"I think it's easier for parents to talk about the scary stranger," said Cournoyer. "Much harder to talk about that coach who is very friendly and everyone loves."
Many of the offenders said they step in and taking over some type of parenting or parental role with the children before or while violating the rights of the children in the process.
Cournoyer added, "I would even lean away from using language like 'bad guy.' I think you could even use something like, "Sometimes people don't know what's okay and not okay with children, and they might really like children and they might be very friendly and helpful at first -- but sometimes that crosses the line and becomes inappropriate. So, it's really important for you to tell me or an adult if something happens that makes you uncomfortable.'"
But how do you keep your child from being singled out by an abuser? When we asked how the offenders chose their victims, most said they simply picked whoever was available.
"Kids that come from broken homes -- shy, withdrawn, abused, whether it's emotionally or physically or sexually. Kids who are self destructive, like cutters. Kids who are neglected -- the neglected tend to crave adult attention more. All these types tend to crave adult attention because they're not getting it from home," said the second convicted sex offender who talked on the condition we don't use his name.
The strategy then involves be around to supervise. Don't let your child be the one who goes without rides home from sports practices or events, because that can give an offender an opportunity.
"A person who already had fantasies about abusing someone -- and they saw the opportunity come forth, and they took advantage of it," described Frank Weber, clinical director of CORE Professional Services .
Some respondents said they bought gifts, drugs or alcohol for their victims. They called it "grooming." Yet, the most common answer to how they hooked their victims was: They simply offered the child friendship., or offered help with family problems.
"Friendship is the primary reason and tool offenders use to abuse children," said Weber. "They are available to talk, and many children who are abused need someone to talk to."
Grooming a child to become a victim can take a long time, the survey found.
"It starts out spending more and more time together. More and more touching," said the second sex offender we interviewed. "It's a gradual build up to, toward
sexual situations."
The grooming can take happen over days, weeks or months. That's the time when parents can catch the warning signs.
So what are those signs? The offenders said parents should beware of someone who:
"That is astounding, and it's something that bothers me," said Weber.
Though confronting someone over suspicions is bound to be awkward, Cournoyer said in the end, that difficult conversation could save a child.
"It is better to offend an adult than keep quiet and then have a child be hurt," added Cournoyer.
The survey also asked the abusers what did they said or did to encourage their victims to keep quiet about what had been done. Many said they had to do nothing.
"The offender knew it was wrong," said Weber. "The victim knew it was wrong, but somehow, that offender is a resource for them."
He added: "Maybe that is the one person they can talk to. Maybe that is the one person who gives them rides so they can be with their friends, they can be in activities. Somehow, that person is giving them something they are not getting at home, and they don't want to lose that."
Some abusers reported telling their victim they had was a secret just between the two of them, or warned their victims they would get in trouble if they told.
The protection experts also told FOX 9 to have a "no secrets rule" in your family. Make sure your child knows that no one has the right to tell them to keep something from you -- not friends, not other family members, not clergy.
It's important to tell your child they won't be in trouble if they tell about someone who touches them in a way that is wrong. No matter how the abuse began. No matter how long it's gone on. No matter what. It is not their fault. Above all, assure them you will believe them -- especially since the surveyed abusers reported telling victims that their parents won't believe them.
"It's really frustrating at times. There are a number of cases we have dealt with where the adults believe the offender of their own children," said Weber.
It's also important to make sure your child has another adult in their life to go to in case their relationship with you has deteriorated.
Beyond educating parents, the FOX 9 Investigators' survey is also giving hope to those who oversee sex offender treatment.
"It's clear from what I've read of these results that these are offenders who want this stopped. They don't want other kids getting hurt. They can't undo what they've done, but they can contribute to this not happening again," said Michael Thompson, president of the Minnesota Association of the Treatment of Sexual Abusers. "I think that speaks to the success and improvement seen in men that engaged in sex offender treatment. I think that speaks well of treatment."
Online Resources:
Read more: Investigators: Sex Offender Survey http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/dpp/news/investigative/investigators-sex-offender-survey-feb-28-2012#.T048GBUZ3VU.twitter#ixzz1nsG5WJT0
The survey was constructed using the help of counselors and therapists who treat sex offenders. All of the people who took the survey are still in treatment.
One of the questions asked: What is the most important thing parents can do to keep their kids from being sexually abused?
Respondents said parents must learn the warning signs and should also perform background checks on anyone who cares for children.
You've heard that before -- but here's something maybe you haven't.
The second recommendation is to teach children about sex -- and the sooner the better. Each little step used by offenders pushes a child and/or leads the child into a sexual situation. If a child doesn't know what's sexual, then they can be taken advantage of. Since older children are naturally curious, abusers take advantage of that.
"This person who seems really nice and is treating them like they are teaching them or giving them information [the child doesn't] have access to, that nobody else is talking to them about. I think it is tempting for kids to sort of go along with " said Yvonne Cournoyer, program director of Stop it Now!, an advocacy group that works to prevent sexual abuse of children.
One convicted sex abuse told Fox 9 that a child who doesn't know anything about sex is at greater risk.
"In the more conservative family, the topic of sex and anything to do with that topic is very hush-hush, almost taboo. So, when anything happens, a child probably doesn't even know what is going on because it's never been brought up," said the man who spoke with the FOX 9 Investigators on a condition of anonymity.
Instructing kids about sex can be a matter of teaching them age-appropriate good touch and bad touch, but it's important to discuss it in the context of the person they know, trust, and may even like or love, rather than just focusing on strangers.
Why does that matter? Because only 6 of the 133 sex offenders surveyed were strangers to the children they abused.
"It's rarely the creepy guy down the block," advised one of the sex offenders who agreed to talk with FOX 9.
The rest of those who were surveyed were boyfriends of mothers, step parents, siblings or step siblings, friends of the family, internet acquaintances, baby-sitters, coaches or clergy.
"I think it's easier for parents to talk about the scary stranger," said Cournoyer. "Much harder to talk about that coach who is very friendly and everyone loves."
Many of the offenders said they step in and taking over some type of parenting or parental role with the children before or while violating the rights of the children in the process.
Cournoyer added, "I would even lean away from using language like 'bad guy.' I think you could even use something like, "Sometimes people don't know what's okay and not okay with children, and they might really like children and they might be very friendly and helpful at first -- but sometimes that crosses the line and becomes inappropriate. So, it's really important for you to tell me or an adult if something happens that makes you uncomfortable.'"
But how do you keep your child from being singled out by an abuser? When we asked how the offenders chose their victims, most said they simply picked whoever was available.
"Kids that come from broken homes -- shy, withdrawn, abused, whether it's emotionally or physically or sexually. Kids who are self destructive, like cutters. Kids who are neglected -- the neglected tend to crave adult attention more. All these types tend to crave adult attention because they're not getting it from home," said the second convicted sex offender who talked on the condition we don't use his name.
The strategy then involves be around to supervise. Don't let your child be the one who goes without rides home from sports practices or events, because that can give an offender an opportunity.
"A person who already had fantasies about abusing someone -- and they saw the opportunity come forth, and they took advantage of it," described Frank Weber, clinical director of CORE Professional Services .
Some respondents said they bought gifts, drugs or alcohol for their victims. They called it "grooming." Yet, the most common answer to how they hooked their victims was: They simply offered the child friendship., or offered help with family problems.
"Friendship is the primary reason and tool offenders use to abuse children," said Weber. "They are available to talk, and many children who are abused need someone to talk to."
Grooming a child to become a victim can take a long time, the survey found.
"It starts out spending more and more time together. More and more touching," said the second sex offender we interviewed. "It's a gradual build up to, toward
sexual situations."
The grooming can take happen over days, weeks or months. That's the time when parents can catch the warning signs.
So what are those signs? The offenders said parents should beware of someone who:
- spends excessive alone time with the child.
- seems more comfortable around kids than people his own age.
- singles out your child among a group for attention.
- gives inappropriate gifts.
- spends large amounts of time touching or physically playing with a child.
"That is astounding, and it's something that bothers me," said Weber.
Though confronting someone over suspicions is bound to be awkward, Cournoyer said in the end, that difficult conversation could save a child.
"It is better to offend an adult than keep quiet and then have a child be hurt," added Cournoyer.
The survey also asked the abusers what did they said or did to encourage their victims to keep quiet about what had been done. Many said they had to do nothing.
"The offender knew it was wrong," said Weber. "The victim knew it was wrong, but somehow, that offender is a resource for them."
He added: "Maybe that is the one person they can talk to. Maybe that is the one person who gives them rides so they can be with their friends, they can be in activities. Somehow, that person is giving them something they are not getting at home, and they don't want to lose that."
Some abusers reported telling their victim they had was a secret just between the two of them, or warned their victims they would get in trouble if they told.
The protection experts also told FOX 9 to have a "no secrets rule" in your family. Make sure your child knows that no one has the right to tell them to keep something from you -- not friends, not other family members, not clergy.
It's important to tell your child they won't be in trouble if they tell about someone who touches them in a way that is wrong. No matter how the abuse began. No matter how long it's gone on. No matter what. It is not their fault. Above all, assure them you will believe them -- especially since the surveyed abusers reported telling victims that their parents won't believe them.
"It's really frustrating at times. There are a number of cases we have dealt with where the adults believe the offender of their own children," said Weber.
It's also important to make sure your child has another adult in their life to go to in case their relationship with you has deteriorated.
Beyond educating parents, the FOX 9 Investigators' survey is also giving hope to those who oversee sex offender treatment.
"It's clear from what I've read of these results that these are offenders who want this stopped. They don't want other kids getting hurt. They can't undo what they've done, but they can contribute to this not happening again," said Michael Thompson, president of the Minnesota Association of the Treatment of Sexual Abusers. "I think that speaks to the success and improvement seen in men that engaged in sex offender treatment. I think that speaks well of treatment."
Online Resources:
- Stop it Now!
- CORE Professional Services
- Prevention Article by Yvonne Cournoyer, program director of Stop it Now!
- 9 Questions Parents Need to Ask when Selecting a Program for their Child
Read more: Investigators: Sex Offender Survey http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/dpp/news/investigative/investigators-sex-offender-survey-feb-28-2012#.T048GBUZ3VU.twitter#ixzz1nsG5WJT0
Read more: Investigators: Sex Offender Survey http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/dpp/news/investigative/investigators-sex-offender-survey-feb-28-2012#.T048GBUZ3VU.twitter#ixzz1nsFxbFFB
http://www.myfoxtwincities.com/dpp/news/investigative/investigators-sex-offender-survey-feb-28-2012#.T048GBUZ3VU.twitter
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