I found this short article the other day on twitter. It struck a cord with me because my dealing with the pain and destruction of my childhood and early adulthood, is the reason I am where I am in my life. When one survives multiple traumas, especially child sexual abuse the easiest thing to do is try to ignore it. This leads to addictions, mental and physical health issues and a lower quality of life then someone should have. One of the biggest obstacles for me was that I knew I would have to distance myself from Ruth (biological mother). Doing this also meant I had to distance myself from some of my siblings who weren't ready to distance Ruth from their lives. Ruth would make all of her children take sides. If she was mad at one of us she wanted us all mad at the person as well. This was one of the hardest decisions I had to make but I knew it was in mine and my children's best interests.

Getting myself into therapy to help me deal with my trauma issues was the best thing I did in my life besides to have my children. I was in therapy for several years and I would be lying if I said it was easy. It wasn't. There were plenty of times I wanted to just give up and not deal with the pain anymore. One of the things about therapy is that once one layer of pain is dealt with another layer pops up. That is one of the things that got tiresome. I would get frustrated because I wanted instant gratification and wanted to be "healed" immediately. That won't ever happen. The reason more layers were able to come up was that my psyche was ready to deal with it. I have been told that if I remembered the ritual abuse when I was nineteen when I started having flashbacks that I would have ended up psychotic and/or suicidal. I married my children's father because my psyche knew he was abusive and my being abused would keep me from remembering the ritual abuse. As bad as it was to be in domestic violence I remain in awe of how the brain works. Once I got out of the domestic violence and received intensive cognitive behavioral therapy the other layers started to crop up.

Another reality is that if I didn't delve into the pain and trauma I was at risk of repeating the same cycle Ruth repeated. I didn't want that for my children. I wanted them to have a better life and I wanted to make sure that I was part of breaking a cycle that occurred for at least four generations. If that is the only thing I accomplished in my life I have accomplished something that impacts generations to come. What a good legacy to be part of. As hard as things were at times I am thankful I perservered and did the hard work that was required. I am also grateful for all of the people in my life who played a role in my healing. God put good people in my life at the right times. My life is a blessing and I need to never forget that.  Issues will still pop up at times which makes me grateful I did the hard work. I know handle the issues more appropriately then I ever had. Feeling very blessed, Rosie

Amy Chan

 

The Importance of Processing Pain

Posted: 09/07/2012 12:40 pm

Some say that pain of the heart is the worst kind to experience. There is no surgery, no medicine, no band-aid that will truly minimize the suffering. That dull, chronic pain feels like it is with you every where you go. It's at the core of your thoughts, it haunts you right before you go to sleep -- it feels attached, as if it is a part of you.


Most people do not process their emotional pain. In our society, where we place value on the ability to move forward and move fast, we don't take the time and effort it takes to process pain, in order to heal it. That pain remains in the body, developing deeper and deeper roots -- affecting one's way of seeing life and dealing with life. We try our very hardest to get out of a state of suffering immediately, because we associate that "bad feeling" with weakness and inefficiency. So we tranquilize our pain, we numb it, we escape it -- we do everything to avoid feeling it.
But that feeling wants and needs to be felt, and will have its way with you one way or another. Either it slowly poisons you until your soul eventually dies, or it comes out with 10 times the force and trauma later on, when some future event triggers you and rips open the wound. The consequence of not processing pain in the present is that it finds a way to sneak into your future. In my opinion, I believe the reason why people continue to repeat the same suffering and pain in future relationships and situations is because they never let their wounds properly heal.
I've had to learn how to be with that uncomfortable feeling of pain and honor my feelings instead of resisting them. It's been challenging, to say the least. It feels like I'm stuck in the same place, having the same questions and inner dialogue. In those moments, I feel fed up and angry with myself that I have to repeat the same episode of crying and confusion, like it's some twisted version of Groundhog Day. Sometimes I force myself to stop the feeling and return to acting strong and capable. Sometimes, I give myself permission to just be present with what stirs up, and be gentle with myself. The former is the hardest to do. Often, I psycho-analyze the heck out of my feelings and have a hard time deciphering if it's the situation that is stirring up the pain, or other deep-rooted childhood stuff.
I'm starting to understand and appreciate that situations, such as breakups, loss, etc. can act like catalysts. The pain felt is one part fresh from the experience, and the other parts are from old wounds that were never fully healed. Painful as they may be, they are opportunities in disguise, that give you the chance to rewrite the stories we attach to past events that ultimately shape our perception of reality. When I see suffering in such a light, I understand that it is not a state of "good" or "bad" -- it just is. It is part of being human and a part of the beauty of the experience of life.
Amy Chan is a relationship columnist and lifestyle writer.
For more by Amy Chan, click here.